Launching my career as a writer

1) Seeing as how I am starting my life in the academic world today, I've also become inspired to start a new proffession as well. Since I have no alternative source of income other than my fellowship, I've decided to get a book published and be a writer. So, without any further ado, I thought I would share with you all the beginning of my new novel. I'm sure I will have finished the epic by the end of the week and have it published by the end of September, at which time I will post an amazon link on the side of the weblog. So, just as a teaser, here are the first few paragraphs:

The day exploded around his senses as the sun filtered into through the window like shit through a pig. Yes, it was morning in the small town. The gentleman found himself getting out of bed if for no other reason than not to remain in it.

"Well," Maximillian Cuthbert Rosetta proclaimed to his shoes, "I think I have to poop." The toilet cringed in a way that only porcelain can. Today, like any other day, will be a day just like any other day: breakfast, milk, and soaps.

From above the house, looking at the roof, there was no trace of anything happening inside.

One would wonder why someone would go on leading a life so simple and empty, including our post-inebriated friend Maximillian. However, the young man did not wonder this now. Pleased with himself, he proved that his earlier statement to his footwear was true. The toilet cringed in a way that only porcelain can. The day is ready to begin; now all that is needed is the remote, the oat bran, and a bottle of tequila. 11 AM, a nice early start. People throughout the town continue to mingle outside in the streets. SUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!

2) So... What do you all think?

3) If they could turn shit into ink, they would use it to print Jane Austen novels

A Call to Inaction

I’m here today to talk to you about an organization that could change your life.

Now, I want you all to think back, way back. When was the last time you or someone you know was standing in front of the capital building with a bullhorn?

If you believe that there are too many pointless rallies and protests in Washington, you are not alone. The Apathy Coalition can help. Because enough really is e-FREAKING-nough.

Oh, I get it. You just want to be heard. I see. Yep, that’s your first amendment right.

Well, as a founding member of Irony International, I’m going to use this public forum so that I am heard. I am having an open call for members into Irony International’s newest subgroup, the Apathy Coalition. Our sole purpose is to promote apathy in the over-zealous protesters the world over.

Don’t worry about signing up anywhere; it is our strict policy that anyone who signs a piece of paper in order to join the Apathy Coalition is automatically expelled from the group. In fact, the only actions that are legitimately allowed by the group must fall strictly under rules governing Irony International. All actions must either be designed "to foster a greater understanding of common sense by surgically removing the overblown cause from a protester’s rectum" or to "enlighten the general public of another’s self-absorption through humorous, well-thought-out counteractions and/or childish name calling."

For example, a war-protester is walking around the Mall brandishing a sign stating, "An eye for an eye will leave the world blind." As a good Irony International member, protocol would be to follow said individual around, very closely, with a sign reading to the effect of "So lets blind the other motherf***ers first!" To go truly above and beyond the call of duty, the faithful member could also get some friends to organize a pro-war rally on the other side of the street and soak those peace-pansies with a fire-hose. Or steal their wallets, whatever.

Besides, we are doing this for the protester’s own good. This is about their safety and well being. Do you know how many people are hospitalized each year for protest-related injuries, often still clutching their signs and babbling incoherently about sweatshops and intelligent design? Well, I don’t have the exact numbers with me right now, but I bet they’re chilling.

Furthermore, we must get them to drop their cause in the hope that, if caught early enough, they will still be able to get and retain a life. This isn’t the sixties anymore. Just going to a protest isn’t going to get these people laid (which is unfortunate, because it is my theory that a good lay is really all that most of these unfortunate souls need to become normal again).
So, as a final plea to all those out there: if you, or someone you know, might be infected with a need to be politically active over something trivial, there is help out there for you. The Apathy Coalition, a subsidiary of Irony International. Getting people lives since 1970.

The Streak Ends

Alas, my streak of undefeated appearances at Sox games came to an unfortunate end on Saturday night. I had a good run, going 9-0 since Bobby Jones gave up a walk-off walk at Camden Yards last April 4th. Yet it was not meant to be. Despite getting up by 6 runs, we lost four runs. Well, I've always said (and by always, I mean never), "if you're going to lose, you'd better lose in style," and that's just what I did. Myself, the Resident Female, The Redistricted Friendly Neighborhood ColOmbian, and Jo D. SwollenFinger watched the game from atop the Green Monster, and were about three seats away from catching Ortiz's 3-run homerun.

Regular post coming on Tuesday.

Guest Column

Seeing as how I am out of town and doing fabulous things without any of you, I've turned over the weblog to Sung-Ho Mpenze O'Shea, who had a few more criticisms for me and others. Please note, because Sung-Ho can't punctuate to save his life and has the grammar of an Italian from Brooklyn, this has been edited.

Hey, make the title to my column:

It's...

Allright, first off, let's get the Fletcher bashing out of the way. I did not, in fact, write the guest column that was posted under my assumed name. Fletcher just took a bunch of clips from my emails to him, without my knowing, and just slapped them together haphazzardly, edited them to make me sound less intelligent, and brutally added a few sentences that tried to make the thing read well. Oh, and he did all this without telling me. So, Fletcher can officially dine on my scrotum. Oh, and that whole Monty Python thing was his doing. I did say something like "you should make more Monty Python references", but were I to make a joke like that, I think I would have, oh, I don't know, stopped when it was still funny and not when it was completely driven into the ground. Note to Fletcher: subtlety is this season's black.

2nd note to Fletcher: Yes, I am mocking you, you turd-burgling hyenna. "...is this season's black" is one of the more dongish things you continually bring up. Get a new stupid and overworked catchphrase. And I already know what you are thinking, and changing it to "...is this season's pink" aint gonna cut it. Also, leave the the creationists alone. Their lives already suck, they aren't going to be swayed by your opinion if they ever heard you say it, and they never will hear it because whenever they try to turn on the computer it always ends up turning into that 2001 scene from Zoolander.

Now that I've set the record straight, I'd like to begin my rant please.

The following are people and things I hate:

Paris Hilton, the media icon
Paris Hilton, the acquaintence
Jon Bon Jovi
Hugo Chavez
Pat Robertson
Jerry Falwell
Ronald McDonald
Rap music
Hip hop music
Classical music
Plebeians
Thespians
Actors who take themselves too seriously
The one or two actors who don't fall into that category
Granola
Marvin Gaye
Randall Gay
Gaylord Focker
L Ron Hubbard
Old Mother Hubbard
Acne
Bacne
Crackne
Crackheads
Newlyweds
Nearly Deads (seniors)
My ex-fiancee
The dude that was ploughing my ex-fiancee
Auto-flush toilets that go off when you are still sitting on them
ASCII
Macintoshes
Red deliciouses (delicious my ass!)
Redheads
Scarlet O'hara
Scarlet fever
Disco fever
Discotheque and every other U2 album since Pop
B2 bombers
The Bronx Bombers
Chicks without bombs
Misogynists
Scientologists
Coral Reefs
The whales, or at least the ones that need saving
Savings Bonds
Barry Bonds
Barry Switzer
Switerland
Maryland
Mary Queen of Scots
Scott Stapp
Staph infections
Communist defections (just kill Castro already)
Community theatre
Kabuki Theatre
Bukaki porn
Porno for Pyros
Pyrotechnics at concerts
Crabs
Writing guest column

100th Post Anniversary Special

1) It's a banner day here at the offices of “I have rants in my pants”. That’s right, we successfully made it to 100 posts! So grab the glasses, pop open the champagne, and call up the escort service, because we are going to party. Or at least I am. Now where's that mescalin?

2) Seeing as how you, all my readers, have followed and supported me so fervently with your brutally honest opinions and rabidly vicious personal attacks, and have persevered through this narrative with me, I feel like I owe you all something special today. Well, much like one of those eerie, creepy-child horror movies that have flooded the theaters over the last few years, I’ve decided that now is the time to reveal some predictable secret that is supposed to clear things up about my whole story, but really is just some trite ploy to get one last scare and is just stupid and somewhat nonsensical, so here it goes:

Many of you have known me for years. Others have never met me. But you all should know something about me (sniff) which I think will explain a lot. I’m… I’m actually, well, I’m originally from New Jersey. Oh, God, you can’t imagine the shame, the agony that I’ve endured throughout my life harboring the dark secret that I was born in the Garden State. This horrid knowledge was buried deep within me, slowly eating at my soul and driving me to the brink of insanity. Though I’ve trudged through life, pretending to be normal, making small talk and smiling, yet all I could think about was that I was a freak, born under a dark shroud of shame and sadness, and I can live with it no longer. I know many of you probably feel betrayed, even disgusted, that you have associated with someone born in New Jersey, but I can’t run from who I am anymore. I’ve decided to embrace my past; that’s why I am going to grow back my mullet, trade in my Volvo for an IROC, gain fifty pounds, start working at a gas station, wear a wife beater stained with beer and marinara sauce, and practice saying, "Yo, ya' gots ta' believe me! She looked at least 18 at the time, ya' honor! "

3) I would also like to take this opportunity to publically apologize to those I have offended over the years:

First, I would like to apologize to my family, friends, and the Resident Female who have stayed by my side despite the myriad of times I have embarrassed, threatened, hurt, deformed, or murdered them.

I also would like to apologize to my boss, whose coffee cup I accidently knocked over in the pantry last week. Fortunately it was empty at the time, but still, I am very sorry.

I would like to apologize to the O' Seamus Mahaffy for accidentilly putting seven shots of whiskey into the coffee I fixed him when he asked me to make him one for the road, and I just assumed he meant an Irish coffee. I'm sure the vehicular manslaughter charge won't stick.

I would like to apologize to the residents of apartment 430. I can assure you that when I constructed that large-scale incidiary device, I never meant for it to hurt anyone, and I'm still not sure how it got into your apartment in the first place.

I would like to apologize to Jessica Alba, as I'm sorry I haven't yet found the time to give you the priveledge of me making love to you; it's on my to-do list.

I'm sorry, Michael Bay, that none of your movies are any good.

I would like to apologize to my cat, Mung Muncher, for giving you such a terrible name.

I would like to apologize to the people at the aquarium in Baltimore on July 27th, I'm sorry you had to see that. I would also like to apologize to that sea turtle, as well, whom I hear is going to make a full recovery.

I would like to apologize to my friend, Kevin, for the time I laced his condom with superglue instead of spermicidal jelly, as well as to the sheep who died as a result.

I would like to apologize to Ben Affleck, for all the times I made fun of him. I only now see the folly and tastelessness of making fun of those with mental handicaps, and I promise to never do it again. Today.

I would like to apologize to all the French people for pointing out they were from France.

I would like to apologize to my secretary, who unfortunately walked into my office just as my pants were falling down. I can assure you I was merely reffering to the other chair in my office when I said to her, "Why don't you plop youself down on this..."

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to all those whom I end up forgetting to apologize to in this list.

Hey! My taxes paid for that horn!

1) So this is it. With roughly 3 hours left in my career as a regulator (nay, THE regulator), I am glad that now people at work have begun to realize how important I am to this place. Since they haven't found a replacement for me yet (I knew I was irreplaceable), I have spent the better part of this week re-coding a lot of programs to make them idiot proof, written instructions on how to use them/set up the data, and set it up so most of the people who I did work for merely need to point to the file they want manipulated and press F12. Of course, all hell has broken loose, as I spent the last half hour explaining to a woman from HR (who I process survey data for) the ins and outs of cross-cancelling in division and another that yes, you do need to tell the computer which file you want to process for it to work. Man, I'm going to miss this place.

2) I wanted Chimp Ambres playing center field for the Sox next year (though I'll take Tony G over him), so I am a bit disappointed he screwed them last night.

3) The Resident Female and I watched two of the three Robert Zemeckis Tales from the Crypt last night, and they are fantastic. I forgot how well the man knows how to direct; when you look at the movies he directed, I dare you to find someone doing better work in the late 80s.
Seriously, look at the man's imdb page. Granted, he hasn't made anything good in a decade, but he had some pretty choice things going on back in the day.

4) Get Netflicks. It let's you see all the crappy movies you would never pay $3 to rent, but have always wanted to see. If anyone is interested, email me and I can send you two weeks free.

5) I will be making an absolutely hellacious road trip this weekend with the Resident Female and My Freindly Re-districted ColOmbian, as we have Green Monster Tickets at the Fens. We will also be reuniting with the estranged neighbor that I broke while moving (actually, this is my "thank you for helping me move" present to them), and a good time is expected to be had by all. Now, you might ask, "Why is he telling us this?" Well, I'm bragging. And I'm not feeling particularly creative today. But mostly it is to let you know that there will be a guest column this weekend, with the triumphant return of Sung-Ho Mpenze O'Shea.

If you write a weblog, and nobody reads it, would anybody care?

Okay, something very screwy is going on with Blogger.com, as I keep editing this post and it just erases everything new I put in. Sorry.

To answer dorf's question about traffic, even though I don't get many comments posted, I've found that I have about 30 unique IP address visits per weekend and I get about 10-12 emails a week through the link on the side of the page (please note: I had a longer explaination before, but I don't want to retype it).

So yes, I do know people look at my page, and I don't think I will be stopping any time soon, assuming graduate school doesn't sap my will to live. Although, really, I didn't necessarily start this thing to get my opinion out there for other people, but more as a way for me to formulate my thoughts on things and keep my mind churning about stuff that is important to me, like pornography and B-movies.

Although, FYI, once the grad schedule moves into full swing, I don't think I will have any time on Mondays to post as I have 5.5 hours of teaching/meetings and 4 hours of class on my schedule. Consider yourself warned.

Keep your eyes peeled boys, someone's going to make love to this chicken any second now

1) So I just got my class schedule for the upcoming fall, both for teaching and for learning, and I have to say it is the weirdest friggin' schedule ever. My monday mornings are all teaching Macroecon (which sucks, because Macro has absolutely no substance. Seriously, ask any economist what Macro is about; none of them know!), and for some reason all my classes are at night. Well, at least I get Tuesday's off, so I can watch Monday night football every week.

2) Today is my last full day of work, as I am only doing a half day tomorrow. Just worth noting.

3) Apparently, Orsen pitched a pretty good game last night, and Jeremi Gonzalez's scoreless streak continued (I think it is at 12 innings now) with 3 no-hit innings (1 BB). I would be pretty pleased with this except that Timlin gave up two runs in the ninth and Kansas City is really a AAA team.

4) Nudity: it's fashion made simple.

5) Quotation of the day comes from Henny Youngman: "What good is happiness? It can't buy you money..."

6) In honor of the fact that I am going back to school next week, I'm adding a bonus quotation of the day, which my high-school advisor said to me my junior year: "Fletcher: you're smart, quick witted, good with numbers, and extremely cynical. Have you considered studying economics?"

Two Sampson jokes in two days? Nah...

And another thing: what is with all this "Johnny Damon is on steroids" crap? Especially from Yankees fans! Maybe he is, maybe he isn't, but Damon has always been a really good player. People are saying that Damon is on steroids this year, when he is having the second best year of his career (the best was totally forgotten in Kansas City) and is in a contract year. Throw in that I've been hearing a lot of this vitriol and accusations from the few Yankee fans I allow to associate with me, including remarks "he is a disgrace", "he should be thrown out of the game", and "I wonder what kind of conditioner he uses". Let me get this straight: some Yankee fans are upset because they think Damon might be doing steroids. Hello? You have not one but two freaking guys that have admitted they did steroids, including a pyschotic outfielder who looks like a child-molester and tried to claim he put cream on his knee that was suppossed to be aloe vera. Screw this.

Counter views

Seeing as how I've ranted repetitively about how Creationism and Intelligent Design have no place in Biology, I thought I would do an interesting little twist on the whole argument today. Let's examine evolution's plausibility through a creationist's lens, and vice versa.

Evidence of evolution, as viewed by a Creationist: well, this is pretty easy. Creationists believe the world was created by God, and therefore any evidence that supports evolution was placed there by God. Why God would litter the Earth with billions of pieces of evidence that point to another theory, I'm not sure. Maybe it is a test of faith, a way to throw others off His trail so that one must prove they truly believe in God over logic. Which makes sense, when you don't think about it.

Evidence of creationism, as viewed by a biologist: well, there really isn't any evidence of creationism, per se, other than people's belief in it. However, looking at the belief structure, and religion in general, through a Darwinian perspective, it makes sense. Just about every society on earth has some sort of religious beliefs in a higher power or powers that control their lives, and that serving these powers helps them out in some way, usually in some form of afterlife. When viewed on a societal scale, really, what is religion? It is sort of a moral layaway: if you believe in these religions, which all have rules that generally help society function (don't steal, murder, or philander), then good things will come to you both in this life and the next. This is a very powerful device in keeping a society ordered and functioning, and extremely helpful in keeping groups of people together with a common purpose.

Now, if in the days of sticks and stones, there were some tribes that didn't believe in religion or any system of beliefs, when times got tough (drought, famine, battle of the network stars, etc) they would likely have much more infighting for the limited resources, with the stronger taking from the weak and the tribe likely fracturing. These fractures weaken the group as a whole, even if it only leaves the tougher members, which ultimately makes them less able to compete with other groups for resources. Contrast this with a group that has a loose set of laws, be they religious or otherwise, and they are more likely to preserve the health of the group because the threshold for violence and destructive behavior is much tougher to reach; therefore, these groups are more likely to stay intact in tough times as well as crowd out the smaller, less pious groups from resources. This leads to the large group being able to sustain more offspring, get even larger, and crowd out even more groups.

So, as we see, it makes sense that a group would develop and propagate a predisposition to accepting religion and moral laws, especially as the frontal lobes (and logical reasoning) continued to develop. As humans became more and more self-aware, the prospect of only having one life and no reward after makes the prospect of accepting a lower echelon position in the pack a bitter pill that most wouldn't want to swallow. However, with a predisposition to religion and religious experiences, suddenly the people lower on the totem pole have a reason to not only accept a subservient role but to embrace it, as it helps the group survive and also expand. Sort of a natural "the good of the many outweigh the good of the few" mechanism.

So what does this mean? Well, I guess it means it makes sense that people want to believe in creationism, if only because they are prewired to; really, it is a biological thing that they do, and it is very hard to let go of because it is what our societal mechanism is based on. Then again, biologically, we (or at least men) are also prewired to want to screw everything that moves, but we keep those feelings in check because we have developed our frontal lobes. So is it too much to ask that the creationists use their frontal lobes to look at evolution critically, much in the same way they use it to neuter their libidos?

Nickel explaination of waivers

As requested by Dorf, here is a quick and dirty explaination of waivers as I understand them (note: therefore probably incorrectly):

MLB:
In-season -

In August, most players are put up on the waiver board by each team to free them up in case they want to be traded.

When a player is put on waivers, any team that is interested in the player can put a claim to them. The two teams then have a window of time to hammer out a trade for the player, or else the original team can pull the player back (meaning the player will not be traded to any team). If more than one team claims the player, then the team with the worse record gets the claim (confusing caveat: this only applies within the same league. For example, if Dontrelle Will were put on waivers in the NL, the Cardinals-NL team- could claim him before the Devil Rays-AL team- even though the Rays have a worse record. However, the Devil Rays could claim the before the White Sox-also an AL team- because the Rays have a worse record).

If the player passes through waivers without being claimed, then the player is free to be traded to any team without restriction. However, most trades of this sort occur on or before August 31, because a player must be on the roster before September to be eligible for the playoffs.

Designated for Assignment -

This is an irrevocable move by a team on a player who either has no more minor-league options left or has been in the majors for too many seasons (I believe the 4th season requires this). The team then has 10 days to trade the player without restriction. If they don't trade them in the 10 days, then the player can opt to either accept a minor league assignment or become a major league free agent. Regardless, the original team pays the rest of the contract. If the player signs on elsewhere, however, the old team only pays the balance of the contract the new team doesn't cover. This is why a DFA'd player will usually sign for the veteran's minimum, because the new team gets the player cheap while the player still gets the same salary while also still forcing the old team to pay the bulk of their contract.

Off-season waivers -

There are a few strains of these, many of which I don't understand. Irrevocable waivers (what Manny was put on after '03) allows another team to grab the player without having to trade anything; they just have to cover the rest of the contract. I believe regular waivers in the off-season operate the same as the in-season ones described above.

NFL:
Fortunately, the NFL really only has one type of waiver (that I know of). Basically, whenever a team cuts a player, they are actually just putting them on waivers. Each team then has a chance to claim the player based on the standings from the last year's draft order (so the 49ers get the first crack at every player, the Pats the last). The old team doesn't have to pay any part of the salary, though they do still have to account for salary cap money that was already paid (unamortized portions of the signing bonus, for example). I believe that a team that claims a player must assume the old contract, however. Teams can also claim the players off waivers to their practice squad, though the player does not have to accept that. If the player clears waivers, he may then sign with any team (active roster or practice squad) that he chooses, including the original team that cut him.

Next logical question: how does this affect the salary cap?

Cut before June 1 - The rest of the signing bonus/gauranteed money that has not been accounted for in the salary cap hits the next season. For example, Ty Law was cut last spring, and still had some of his signing bonus unaccounted for (1/7th of the original bonus). That money, in it's entirety, is counted against the Patriots cap this year; basically, any money paid to the player that hasn't been caught in a previous year's cap will hit the next year. This applies to traded players as well (which is probably why T.O. wasn't traded, as 5/6th of his signing bonus hasn't been accounted for yet).

Cut after June 1 - The rest of the signing bonus/gauranteed money is put half on the coming year's salary cap and half on the next year's cap. This is why a team can still carry "dead money" from a player so far into the future (for example, the Pats had charges from Lawyer Milloy on the cap during the 2003 and 2004 season, even though he was cut before the first game of 2003; he is entirely off the books now, though).

Roster bonuses - Obviously, teams in dire cap position often want to opt for the later of the two types of cuts (that is, after June 1st). However, players that are cut after June 1st tend to get smaller contracts with their new teams later in free agency, so they would prefer to be cut right after the season ends. This is why some players insisnt on large roster bonuses in the spring, because it forces the team to decide whether to keep a player or cut him earlier.

Watching fat men bunt

1) David "Don't call me the human 'Stitch'" Ortiz, facing a shifted infield, laid down a bunt single yesterday. Yeah, that was one of the more cooky things I've seen since I the day I bumped into Jeff Gannon on the mall.

2) I have made my triumphant return to the world of bank regulation, even if it is only for a quartet of days. However, I'm sure that most of my loyal readers (that is, two of the three of you) will rest easy knowing that their savings are once again being hawkishly protected by a man who once missed a school field trip because he had been thrown in a dumpster and couldn't get out.

3) Statistic of the day: Look who is leading the American League in home runs allowed, it's Randy "Pock-marks are this season's black" Johnson. I'm wondering if perhaps his troubles this year keeping the ball in the park might be related to some kind of Sampson-esque mullet power that disappeared when the Yanks tried to make him conform to their dress code policy.

4) Speaking of mullets, I think I officially have one. For the last few years, I've pretty much sported a close cropped haircut, but recently decided to just grow it out. Now, after several months of letting it grow, I think the mini-mullet has given up it's ametuer status and joined the ranks of white-trash everywhere. While I am tempted to keep it, change into my tourist fatigues, and walk around the Mall with my gut hanging out, I have a feeling it will not survive my lunchbreak, even if I have to slice it off on the paper-cutter in the copy-room.

5) To be fair to the Yankees (why would you want to be fair to the Yankees? Quite simply, I'm better than them), they aren't the only ones with pitching problems. I just looked at this page for the first time in a long time, and it is pretty scary. Especially when you get to #5 or higher. Ugh.

U'd better haul ass

1) The Friendly Neighborhood ColOmbian is moving out of the neighborhood, and I am helping him do so today. Though I am sad to see my drinking buddy leave, I take comfort in the fact that I actually no longer live in the neighborhood and his move is only changing a 25-minute metro ride into a 45-minute car ride while creating a crashing pad for me on the nights that the Sox take on the (h)O's in Baltimore. Anyhow, that is how I will be spending my day: redistricting.

2) I forgot how cool Tales from the Crypt was. I will be watching many more of them directly.

3) Post-season hero and token greasy player Mark "Horny" Bellhorn was designated for assignment after hitting .216 on the big club since a very solid replacement was found in Tony Graffanino. Alas, I will miss his clutch hitting, his vacant stares, and his utter lack of emotion while turning fabulous double plays. Of course, he probably will clear waivers and be up with the expanded rosters on Sept 1, so it will all work out. Regardless, we have been able to upgrade what was a dead spot on our roster offensively (though not bad defensively), so I guess that is a good thing. Now if we can just do something about Millar...

Yeah, I didn't expect him to excercise his option with his position in the market

1) Coming back from Rhode Island, I was sporting a massive farmer's tan. Fortunately, that is no longer the case. Yesterday, I managed to augment my farmer's tan with a nice, t-shirt shaped burn. Fantastic.

2) So, after being called heartless and lectured that celebrities are real people when I commented that "if you're going to leave Jennifer Aniston, Angelina Jolie is kind of trading up", I've come to a few conclusions about the differences between men and women when it comes to following the cult of celebrity. Besides the fact that just about every public confession and relationship of the celebrities is thought out and given some sort of spin, we find that the lifestyles they lead (that is, limited responsibility and large sums of money for essentially pretending to be other people) is promblematic in making well adjusted individuals, much less good relationships. So this perverse form of watching them takes on essentially two versions: what I deem the soap opera version (usually the female version) and the off-season version (male version). Basically, the level of emotional attachment and viewing paradigms are like this:

Soap Opera version: just an extension of the realities that they pretend to play. These public figures are just more characters in a hybrid-soap opera. Women tend to say nonsense about these relationships like, "Oh, they look so good together", "Wow, I can't believe he would do something like that", "It's a shame he's back on drugs", and "That Ben Affleck sure is talented." Basically, they get emotionally involved in a fantasy world that has little to deal with their lives, and get upset/shocked/happy in the same manner that they do with soap opera-esque things.

Off-Season version: Males, on the otherhand, tend to view celebrity relationships much in the way we view a sports offseason transactions: with less fervent interest and a mildly cold detachment. Though we hope that some players stay with our favorite teams forever, we understand that player movement is just a function of the way the system is set up. So, when men follow this stuff, we tend to say things like, "Did you see that Garner signed Benn Affleck?", "It looks like Pitt isn't going to excercise his option for the upcoming season", and "Man, that Jennifer Lopez sure is a poorly run organization."

3) And another thing, why do women have trouble understanding why Angelina Jolie is so attractive? I mean, just because she's crazy doesn't preclude her from being hot (quite the opposite, actually). Is it so hard to understand that crazy women tend to be seductive because they are crazy? The best I've ever seen it put was in Fatal Instinct, when Armand Assante has his tryst with the Fatal Attraction-esque charater, when she throws him on the floor and rips off his pants and he says, "Oh, this is soooooo... different!" That's attractive. And sure, maybe Angelina Jolie would try and stab you during sex, slash you up or whatever, but dodging a knife might be fun in a kinky sort of way. It's not that it's something we want to do every time, but the idea itself is interesting. Men are curious by nature; trying crazy sexual acts is rooted in the same phenomena as why we want to know why the sky is blue or what stars are made of. I guess it just awakens the sexual scientist in us.

4) Yes, I've already set up the futon for me to sleep on tonight.

FEED ME A STRAY CAT (edited)

1) Quotation of the week comes from the Resident Female's friend, Karen McTactless, when discussing a personal problem she and her two white friends have with the three black women she works with: "I'm sorry that your men like us more than you, but have you had a conversation with yourself? It's not very pleasant."

2) I finished the new Chuck Pahlaniuk book, Haunted. It was very different from his other books in terms of structure, but in a lot of ways was better. Basically, the book is a series of vignettes about various people's lives held together by the central plot that they were all trying locked in a writers' retreat for three months to come up with their masterpiece. While once again the Pahlaniuk has a central plot that is pretty out there, the vignette forum allows him to display his writing style and interesting ideas in a quick and manageable way that may not have worked with any of the stories in a longer format. The book was basically a way for him to empty his assortment of cool ideas that he had had over the years, and it is a great display of his creativity and dark sense of humor.

3) So, in preparation for my upcoming return to the school (now in grad form!) I have been running through a suggested math book, and it looks like I have about another 30 or so hours of doing this over the next week and a half. Let me just say how excited I am that, instead of sitting around and watching South Park episodes and touching myself while thinking about the powerpuff girls, I've been remembering how to do differential equations.

4) I watched American Psycho for the first time in a long time last night. I forgot how great the movie was, particularly at the beginning, with the several touches they add. For example, my favorite scene:

Pat Bateman walks quickly on a lonely street and catches up to a woman at a light
They exchange a brief look
The lights turns green, and Pat and the woman walk at the same slow pace
Cut to: arguing with the dry cleaners because they can't get the blood out of his sheets.

5) Could someone explain to me why stock profiles have begun being posted in my comments sections?

Edited 10:57 AM

5) On a more somber note, and this is both true and very disturbing (for me at least), I just got a pretty tough letter in the mail. I'm enrolled in the National Marrow Donor Program, and I recently had been told that I was a preliminary match for a 36-year-old with Leukemia, and that they needed my permission to do further blood work to make sure I was a match. Not even a week after granting the permission for them to do so, I get a letter saying the guy had died. Now, I'm not trying to make light of the situation at all (quite the opposite, really), but did they need to be quite so honest? I mean, out of the blue, I get a phone call telling me some facts about this guy's life and asking for a signature, then a week later I'm told the person is dead. Couldn't they have just sent me a letter saying they won't need to extract my marrow? I guess I appreciate the honesty, but at the same time, I could just have been let off thinking I wasn't someone who could help this particular person and kept the illusion that maybe the person was able to get help. Instead, I'm left with this hollow feeling for someone I never met, yet have the nagging voice in my head saying I could have helped if they had just found me earlier. I don't know, it just seems so blunt and sudden a thing to find out; for about a week I was drawn tangentially into a person's life, mentally preparing to offer up a portion of my body to potentially help them, and like that I am told that the person is gone. Maybe I'm being selfish here, but I would much rather have just been told I wasn't going to be able to help. Regardless, I'm pretty unsure how to feel right now.

Suck it up, cupcake!

1) I've decided not to do an in depth NFL preview this year, because I would mostly be stealing a lot of my opinions from Aaron Schatz of footballoutsiders.com and his book Football Prospectus (see links on the right, it's a really fantastic book). Instead, here is a list of completely irrational and unfounded predictions for the coming NFL season:

Because it is so weak, the Eagles will have locked up the best record in the NFC by week 3. Also, sometime after week 8, Andy "mustache of a failed porn actor" Reid will punch Owens square in the nuts.

That said, the Eagles aren't going back to the superbowl. Detroit will host the first home-team in the superbowl, and will be met by the Bengals. Both will sport great offenses with moderate defenses. The game will end unexpectedly when the sky opens up and The Rapture begins.

If he comes back and plays well, Eagles fans will love TO even more than before, because they are all whores.

Matt Leinert, Bear for life.

Mike Tice will miss coaching at least two games because he gets a concussion while drinking water and the toilet seats smashes into the back of his head.

People still won't realize Michael Vick is a terrible quarterback because of highlights and fantasy football.

Peyton Manning will be caught in a compromising position involving a jar of vaseline, a small farm animal, and Paula Poundstone. Okay, maybe not.

Curtis Martin and Ty Law will both age very quickly this season. This means New York will officially steal from Buffalo the sign that says, "Where old Patriots come to die".

Jerome Bettis will run through a huge hole that the line opens up, get 6-yards down the field untouched and be knocked down by the first defender that hits him; he'll get up and do that head-shaking dance as if he made the run by himself.

Randy Moss will make absolutely no headlines this year and be a perfectly good citizen. So will Kid Rock.

The other Dolphins will strap Ricky Williams to a bench and beat the crap out of him by week 4 for constantly saying before practice, "Don't forget to bring a towel!"

2) So I seem to have reacquired the plague that I had several weeks ago, on the last night I was in Rhode Island. I am not pleased, as once again I wake up each day feeling like the inside of Tara Reid's mouth on a Sunday morning.

The Return of The Native

1) I know it has been a while since I posted. I apologize for my prolonged absence. While I could just as easily explain that I was on vacation in Rhode Island, and that the decision to ignore my self-imposed duty of coming up with witty and informative opinions on the hard hitting issues of today was caused by a need for relaxation and just being away from the internet in general, I won't do that. Instead, for the mutual benefit of both myself and my readers, let's just say I was recovering in the hospital from a nasty injury I got during the coin toss of the company football game.

2) For those who had been missing my highly opinionated stances on the issues, here are a few quick hits of what you should all think about the things that have been in the news recently:
a) Kittens are outstanding.
b) The only proper way to hang toilet paper is overhand.
c) Screw clouds. If there is anything better in the skies than stars, I don't want to know about it.
d) Computers are a fad, and will soon be collecting dust in the closets with our hoola-hoops and rubella innoculations.
e) Missing blonde girls and shark attacks are the only real news stories that happen any more.
f) Genocide, schmenocide. We want more Brad and Jennifer!

Alright, now that we are up to date, I will now return to our regularly scheduled intelligent discourse of boob jokes:

Spider Mammaries - With great breasts comes great responsibility.

You get it? You see, because usually it's Spider-Man, and he says "with great power comes great responsibility." And, what I've done is cleverly switch "powers" with "breast", implying that breasts have powers that are similar to the ones acquired when bitten by a radioactive spider and becoming a vigilante. It works on so many levels.

Oh, man, it's good to be back.

3) You know, I think this has about as worthy as a place in biology as intelligent design. Thanks to Randy MaCheckingLine for the link.

4) Unfortunately, I couldn't find a link, but the city of New York just passed a ban on panhandling in an area in front of several businesses and shopping areas. What really caught my attention about all this stuff was that apparently there were a ton of people protesting the vote, and that the advocacy groups for the homeless were incredibly upset by this, saying they were making it illegal to be homeless. Okay, I kind of get this, but really, isn't this just insane? I mean, wasn't it already illegal to beg for money? And who the hell cares if these homeless people, who are pretty much nomadic by default, have to move somewhere else to illegally solicit and in some cases extort untaxed funds usually used for drugs and alcohol? I guess I'm just in awe of the fact that there is an advocacy group for everyone (note: I would normally create a hyperlink to Nambla.com, but screw them. Child molestation isn't getting linked from me).

5) For those who don't know, Nambla is the North American Man-Boy Love Association. Really. They actually exist, they aren't just a fake group that the guys from South Park made up to make a funny show. I am as disturbed as you, especially since I now have a link to their website in my cookie history. I feel dirty, and am probably about to be arrested by the FBI. Be prepared for another prolonged absence, unless prison has WiFi now.

Things I have learned

1) Showing highlights of last night's game, which I missed most of, is hilarious. They did a montage of Tony Graffinino's great plays from the game (who, by the way, I am liking a lot), with the "You're the best... Around!" song playing. I forgot how much I like local television when it is aimed for my boys. Fantastic.

2) A few days ago (saturday), in Newport, I did the walking on glass thing. Despite being called a moron by my friends (as if this was news to me), it actually was kind of cool. If you just put light pressure on your foot and shift the sharp adges down before putting all your weight on it, it isn't really all that hard. It kind of feels like walking barefoot over gravel. I suggest you all try it. I also ask you not sue me if it doesn't go well.

3) So Ty Law signed a 3-year contract with the Jets, which garauntees him less money than the 2 year-extension the Pats offer him. This annoys me because a) I liked Ty, and he basically rode himself out of town for less money, even though money was he reason for leaving b) I hate the Jets which means c) I need to sell my baby blue Ty Law all-star jersey. Well, like Bledsoe and Lawyer Milloy, I wish Ty Law the best of luck for 14 weeks a year.

4) I suck at Tennis, which is weird because I used to be good, even winning a few tournaments as a kid. Well, I guess this is what happens when you don't practice and double in size.

5) After biking around town on a bike frame that is too small for me, I've decided I will never ride the tour de france.

6) I will never use the body soap in our outdoor shower again. It's been 3 days and I still smell like a watermelon jolly rancher.

AFC chicken tenders?

I'm not sure why this didn't post when I wrote it. My bad.

1) First, having seen a few photos in the paper, did anybody else see Dan Marino's mustache at his hall of fame induction? I mean, my god was that thing creepy. If you go your entire life without a mustache, on the one day that is set to celebrate you for your statistical achievements, why do you grow a terrible villian's mustache from some second rate Mexican movie? Where you going incognito because you were afraid Ray Finkle was going to show up?

2) I think the difference between a repeat for the Sox and them just merely being/fighting for the division crown comes to down to Foulke's recovery (and he is throwing off the mound for the first time today). He comes back and can close effectively, then maybe Schilling can get stretched out to be 90% of the starter he was last year, then maybe we have a playoff rotation of Schilling, Wells, Clement, and Arroyo, and maybe our bullpen is settled down, then maybe we don't have to rely on outslugging the other team when all we have in the 6-9 holes are Millar, Graffinino, and a broken Trot/Kapler/Cruz.

3) For as fast as Adam Stern is on the basepaths, he sure runs them with about as much intelligence and a hybrid Millar/Kapler.

4) The Newport Folk festival is fantastic, but way overpriced. Best way to view it is for free while anchored.

5) A couple people have started asking me about my views on the upcoming NFL season, so I thought I would start with a few teams from last year's playoffs contenders (or as my cousin calls them, Chicken Tenders; that would be very cute, except that he is 34). Please note, a lot of my research and preparation has been aided/influence/stolen from Footballoutsiders.com and Aaron Schatz' Football Prospectus. Here is what I think of the 3 best teams from last year in the AFC:

Patriots- Everyone around here is wondering how Bill Belichick will handle the offensive play calling, as well as the loss of Romeo Crennel, and most of them believe the team will either struggle mightily or hit a huge snag. Also, the loss of Tedy Bruschi nd Ted Johnson make the linebacking corp, traditionally the heart of the championship teams, quite a bit weaker. Personally, I think that by the end of the season, the Patriots will be playing about as well as they were the last two years in the playoffs. The real questions about the 2005 version is how quickly the team can get itself and its new dynamic shaken out to a point where they can work through the early bumps that comes from a new dynamic. Unfortunately for the Pats, the early schedule will not help this, and will likely lead to a bunch of bandwagon coxcombs showing up on sportcenter, bitching about how the run has finally come to an end for the Pats. After the opener, four of the next five games are on the road (Carolina, Pittsburgh, Falcons, Broncos), with the home game being San Diego. While I think the Falcons are not nearly as good as advertised, that is still a pretty brutal early schedule that could put the Pats in a pretty deep hole for playoff seedings (or even the playoffs in general). However, if the Pats go into their bye week with a record of 5-1 or 4-2 (or an underwear-wrecking 6-0) I think they will be repeating barring some catastrophic event (losing Brady or Dillon being two very big possibilities). Basically, if he Pats can secure the #2 seed in the AFC, I think they have a very reasonable chance; if they don't I think it could be a humbling year for many Pats fans. Of course, if they were in the NFC this year, they would all be sizing up their fourth ring right now.

Pittsburgh - How far they go this season all depends on the best team building/worst gameplanning coach in the NFL: Bill Cowher. There is very little mystery to what the Steelers will do this year: run a lot (around 60% of the time), play a physical defense that uses a lot of exotic blitzes that Dick Lebeau comes up with, and shows very little originality in the passing game. Looking at the rising strength of the teams in the division, along with a game at the RCA dome, I feel like this is a 10 or 11 win team (last year they won 3.5 games over their pythagorean estimates, so I'm not really going that far out on a limb). Of course, this is all subject to change depending on how well the Bus holds up and whether or not Staley's injury is serious. Granted, I've never been impressed by the Bus, other than maybe he is the best running back to ever have a giagantic hole opened up for him, run 6 yards down the field before being touched, fall down when the first guy breathes on him, then gets up and shakes his helmet like a bobblehead doll in celebration. Last year, their division was a steelers-lite Ravens team (all defense and running) with no running back, a Bengals team that couldn't stop the run, and the Browns (brown is the color of poo!). This year, the teams are a bit more formidable, defenses will have enough film (including Belichick's plan from the AFC championship game) to gameplan for Roethlisberger, which means he either needs to take the next step or become a bust, who coincidentally doesn't have his number favorite reciever from last season. So, a substantial pullback from 15 wins is expected. However, I still see these guys being a force in the AFC, mostly because there aren't too many teams that are designed to handle the style of play that the Steelers throw out at you. Then again, I don't see the Steelers winning the AFC for the same reason; Cowher doesn't gameplan, so if he doesn't have the advantage in terms of talent, then it's another year back home. While my logic is telling me these guys will still win the division, my gut is saying it will be the Bengals who take the North this year. Then again, my guts are full of shit, so you never know.

Indianapolis - Great offense, a defense that has improved a lot more than people give it credit for, and pretty mediocre special teams. Indy probably had their best overall team under Dungy last year, and it was just their bad luck that it happened in a year when there were two teams better than it in the playoffs. I haven't seen them lose enough this year to make a real difference, and if teams continue to try to defend them as they always do, then they will enjoy a lot of success again. While I am always skeptical of Manning's ability to defeat a Belichick scheme, and the defense still lacks the size to combat the big running teams, this very well could be the year that they get a bye in the playoffs (home field?). Mind you, of all the games Manning has played against the Pats, the only truly attrocious one was the AFC championship game in 2004 ('03 season). So, basically, the question becomes will they do well enough in the regular season to win enough games to get home field for the playoffs. The answer? It depends. If defenses continue to be frightened by Manning's no-huddle (but not hurry-up; that thing were he makes the lineman stay in the crouch for 30 seconds as he flaps his arms and makes shadow puppets with his hands), then yes. Most of Manning's success, and by contrast his failure, comes from the fact most defenses don't play anything other than a base defense against him, fearing that motion and misdirections will come right when the snap does and leaving their guys out of position. The few teams that shift the coverage and actually throw different looks at him (see: Patriots, New England) have success shutting him down because he'll be forced to audible a dozen times before each snap, then have the wrong play called, and end up having that whiny "why me?" face on as he swings his arms in dissappointment and unbuckles his chin strap. However, I don't think the offense needs to repeat it's level of success from last year, as the defense looks a lot scarier than people have been giving credit for. Personally, I see Indy winning 12 games, which just might be good enough for home-field, which means anything can happen in the playoffs.

I will get to more teams tomorrow. Right now I have a breakfast date, and I am excited for blue eyes and long locks of blonde hair. Name is Adam.

I'm taking the weekend off

I've been checking the traffic report for my site, and it seems I have very few people check up on me during the weekend (just the weekend?). Okay, you got me. I'm the only one who reads this drivels.
Regardless, since it is a beautiful day, I'm off to the beach to get tan and have my gut ridiculed.

Animal Rights Activities: elevating "Moron" to a new level

1) Fairly uneventful drive home from Philly to RI, though a woman tailgated me all the way from New Have to Mystic. Basically, we had a case of a Mom with her kid, driving a BMW SUV, who was not a very good driver. I'm as shocked as you.

2) Heard an interesting thing on the way through New York yesterday while listening to 1010 WINs: apparently some animal rights activists went a guy's house (I believe his name was Calhoun) in New Jersey, destroyed his garden, spray painted "Puppy killer" all over his house, and glued the locks to his car and front door. They apparently did this thinking the guy worked for a pharmaceutical company that tests on animals. Of course, this is just a guy with a name similar to someone who works there. So these geniuses essentially destroyed a guy’s home because they couldn't figure out how to properly use a phone book. At least they caught them.

3) While I realize ripping into PETA, animal rights groups, and the ALF (that's animal liberation front, not a puppet that does commercials with Mike Piazza) is pretty easy, here are the reasons that these people are completely nuts:

1. "No offense, PETA, but when they were handing out causes, you must have been out back taking a whiz."
I understand that dogs, cats, puppies, and kittens are cute, and that testing on animals can be cruel. I also doubt I would enjoy living my life in a high-capacity feed lot. However, who cares? With the amount of human suffering, economic disparity, environmental destruction, and about a thousand other worthy causes and organizations, people actually devote their lives to protecting freaking chickens? I'm sorry, but let's worry about the welfare of, you know, sentient beings first. I mean, it's all well and good that you can get your underwear in a knot over people eating meat and having pets, but seriously? Do something productive with your life, like joining a rodeo or being chopped up by a wheat thresher.

2. Um, so what do you want us to do with them?
These groups will often proclaim that they want no pets, farm-raised animals, beasts of burden, animal testing, or any other example of an animal being used as a "slave". Okay, let's say that we do end all usage and captivity of animals. What do we do with them? I mean, should we just unlock the doors to every pound and animal testing facility and just let these little guys start running around? That is a terrible idea, and I'm not just saying that because I saw 28 days later. Seriously, if we aren't supposed to hurt animals, what do we do when they start hurting us? Do we just let them run around the street, 12 Monkey's style? No, I don't think that would work. At least not for anyone that has ever had to do a regular morning commute. Also, PETA, most of your money comes from pet owners. Why don't you pressure them to get rid of their pets?

3. You only find them cute because you are emotionally stunted.
Also, since you all are probably animal rights activists because you never got over the fact that your cute little dog or cat was run over by a car when you were ten, isn't it cruel of us to turn out the domesticated animals that can't survive without out us? I mean, these beasts of burden and domesticated pets have been bred for years to essentially take the wild out of them, and they are not particularly capable of surviving on their own without our help or without becoming feral. So what is better: having humans have pets in the home or roving packs of dogs that attack and eat children in the streets? Despite your idealistic utopian view of a world where you can laugh and play in the fields with all the freed animals, nature is a fairly sadistic place where the animals would be constantly murdering the crap out of not only each other, but us as well. Having you ever watched the National Geographic channel? I mean, for purposes other than pornography? Those cut little puppies you are saving would kill and eat you if they were hungry. Seriously, when you come up with a remotely practical alternative for what we are to do with all these animals other than just let them run around at will, let me know.

4. You only care about the cute animals.
I've never seen a rally begging people to please think about the worms. Until Platyhelminthes and Cnideria are big concerns of your groups, screw off.

5. If you guys are so humane, then how come you don’t care about humans?
I was always under the impression that firebombing buildings, vandalizing people’s homes, destroying people’s livelihood, and threatening violence were bad things. But apparently harassing and threatening people is okay if it helps put even one more rat on the street, right? The fact that PETA has used violence and intimidation, not to mention their financial resources, to further these causes, is just so counter-intuitive that they make me want to firebomb and threaten their members.

6. You use animals to live!
One of the VPs, Mary Beth Sweetland, uses insulin. Insulin is tested on animals and still contains products derived from animals. Also, you all probably live in houses which have insulation, which also uses animal products. You all probably have used glue, which even if it is a brand that synthesizes horse foot, still propagates the trends that use horse foot. Okay, didn’t buy that last one? Well, how about wearing faux-leather belts and shoes, which does nothing to stem the social stereotype of wearing leather.

7. You know, I rather enjoyed my bout of Ebola.
This is the worst of it: they don’t want medical testing on animals anymore. Forget the fact that probably 90% of all advances in medicine are made because of this research, this is just stupid. Unless these ninnies volunteer to take the place of the rats and chimps, this is the stupidest part of their argument. Look, it’s cruel and unusual and all that other stuff, but if you ever have had an infected hangnail or pinkeye, then don’t forget to thank the animals. Animal testing is necessary for medical research. If you jackasses really want to prove a point, boycott all pharmaceuticals and healthcare in this country. Until you do that, I won’t listen to you. Of course, you’ll all be dead, so it won’t be a problem anymore.

Another guest column!

Seeing as how I am travelling from Philly to Rhode Island today, I knew I wouldn't be able to post. Fortunately, Sung-Ho Mpenze O'Shea offered to write a guest post so that I wouldn't have to worry my pretty little head that my readers were alone in the barren internet without the comfort that comes from reading a fresh post. Of course, I started this weblog under the impression that Sung-Ho and I were going to share the posting duties, and he bailed on me. So feel free to post in the comment section that he is a little bitch.

First off, I'm not doing any of those stupid 1)s and 2)s. Screw that. Fletcher is an unimaginative bitch, and I refuse to bend to his stiffling and moronic formula that he depends so mightly on. Now that I've got that out of the way, here are the following critiques I have on the weblog as a whole and about "Fletcher" in general.

- "Fletcher", you come across as a total dong. Take your head out of your ass and realize nobody gives half a fuck about your life, as we all know you spend your time sitting around your apartment watching illegally downloaded South Park Episodes and waiting for the "Resident Female" to leave so you can masturbate into a sock over the lingerie section of the Sears catalog. Stick to the occasionally clever things you write about how much you hate things of substance.

- "Fletcher", nobody cares you are broke, or that you love the "Evil Dead" movies and have a hard-on for Brad Pitt and Bronson Arroyo. You're insulting us by trying to guilt us into buying from those links on the side of the page. Take them down, along with the google adds. However, you can leave the Google search bar, because it allows people to leave your incessent whining that much faster.

- "High Fidelity" sucked ass, as do your lists. It's one thing to have bad taste and idiotic opinions, that's cool. It's an entirely different matter when you order them with no apparent rhyme or reason. Seriously, are you that devoid of original thought that you need to arbitrarily rank everything rather than trying to be original and actually add something to the furthment of society?

- Your metaphors are thin, your subject matter trite, your similes as dried up as sandworm's cooch, and your writing style simplistic. Actually, I really don't have a problem with that. Keep it up.

- You constantly misquote me. I would think you would have been able to master the "ctrl+c", "ctrl+v" thing, but apparently not. For example, I never said, "life is like my ex-girlfriend's ass: the older we get, the bigger and more overwhelming it becomes." (sic) I said, "life is like my ex-girlfriend's ass: the older and more mature we get, the more massive and crushingly encumbering it gets." You totally erase the genius that comes from the parallel structure, as well as the chiasmic usage of "more" and the irony of including the word "mature". Other quotes you've screwed up:
"It aint binge drinking if you do it every night."
"I'm living an x-rated life, but I keep blacking out, so I only remember the r-rated version."
and of course, "Suck my nuts, you dick-gobbling whore!" instead of "Suck my whore, you nut-gobbling dick!"

- You don't quote Monty Python enough, you English pig dog, and you probably shouldn't be writing this in the first place. Even if the Lady of the Lake told you that you should write this, which I doubt she would, you are a silly English k-nig-ht. Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' blogs is no basis for a system of webpages. Supreme blog power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. You can't expect to wield supreme blog power just because some watery tart threw an IP address at you. I mean, if I went 'round sayin' I was a blogger, just because some moistened bint lobbed a webpage at me, they'd put me away. Also, your page would be better if you had more pictures of women with huge... tracts of land, and maybe have her standing between a nice pair of shrubberies with one elevated slightly and path running between them.

-Good. Now that I've cleared the air on a few things about your blog that piss me off, I think I speak for everyone when I say that I've enjoyed your writing over the last two months a lot, and I look forward to checking it every day. Good job, and keep up the good work.

How come everything today has involved things either coming in or going out of my ass?

I am currently packing up my car as I am headed to Philly tonight, then to Rhode Island for a week and a half. It is with a sad and heavy heart that I must admit, I probably won't post with quite the regularity that I have, and for that I apologize.

As for me, I will be otherwise occupied sunning myself on the beach like a seal, risking my undefeated streak of attended Sox games (right field roof this time), and annoying the shit out of my parents.

It is with a very heavy heart that I must continue with my pre-drive packing, though I hope to post something more later in the day.

Wait A Minute! That wasn't Fresca!

1) It's always good to title a post with a quote, in this case from Socrates.

2) Top ten greatest famous last quotes:
(note: these ones are real)
10. "All my possessions for a moment of time." - Elizabeth I
9. "Now comes the mystery." - Henry Ward Beecher
8. "I'm bored with it all." - Winston Churchill
7. "I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis." - Humphrey Bogart
6. "They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist. . . " General Sedgewick, KIA during the Civil War
5. "I can't sleep" - James M. Barrie
4. "Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something." - Poncho Villa
3. "Go away. I'm alright." - H.G. Wells
2. "Either that wallpaper goes or I do" - Oscar Wilde
1. "Go on, get out - last words are for fools who haven't said enough" - Karl Marx

3) Alright, that's it, I am sick and tired of these freaking abbreviations that nobody actually says in practical language, but somehow have made their way into cyberspace. You all know what I mean, because people have actually started saying them in real life, as in Fletcher tells a joke at a bar, then the person cackles hysterically then says "Lowell!" which is the crappy pronunciation of "lol". And the number of these idiotic abbreviations seems to be growing daily, and I don't have any clue what they mean. However, as I am pretty regularly behind the societal curve, I've decided to give up. I guess I've got to embrace them. And, as a way to fulfill my community service requirement from the... incident... I've done some intense research on the internet to build the following dictionary for those of you as in the dark as I am about these abbreviations. So, without further ado, here are some of the most common abbreviations, as well as what they stand for and a brief interpretation:

lol- Liver OverLoad - I've drank so much that your insipid and second-rate witticism actually seems funny. Example: "Testicles and Scrotum! lol! That's priceless!"

IMHO - Indignant Manipulative Homo-erotic or Offensive - this is actually more of a warning than a direct abbreviation, but it is to warn the reader that something belligerent, unsophisticated, and most likely racist is to follow. Example: "IMHO, Kenny Loggins kicked ass!"

BTW (or occasionally BTdubs) - Breasts, Titties, & Vagina - this is actually of Russian origin (hence the "v" sounding like a "w"), this is a metaphor, suggesting that in fact there is more to a women than her mind, and in fact there is something shallow yet incredibly attractive that we can say is an ancilliary benefit to these wonderful creatures. Example: "Thanks for sending me that picture, because it really is nice to put a face to your name. BTW, what a sweet ass."

ROTFLMAO - Ridiculing Others For Limps, Malformations, And Otherassortedailmentsthattheymighthave - a cousin of lol, this is used whenever something incredibly obvious is pointed out in a way that is suppossed to be comical, but actually sounds retarded. The writer is obviously suffering from some sort of handicap or mental defect, and a person responding with ROTFLMAO is pointing this out and following it up with a sarcastic comment to humor the original comment, much in the same way that we all point out deformed and handicapped people on the street and laugh at them, yet pretend to be nice to them the way Ed Harris was to Cuba Gooding Jr in Radio. Example: "ROTFLMAO! Fifty First Dates was really funny!"

FWIW - Fuck Whatever you Idiots Write - roughly translates as "you're opinion fellates goats." Example "My opinion is law, FWIW."

CT - Cocksucking Territory - An area of land situated between Rhode Island and New York, it is used mostly as a strip of highway connecting the rest of the country to New England, as well as the official douchebags landfill and repository of the United States. Example: "I live in Greenwich, CT. When I grew up in the 80s I rooted for the Mets, but I decided I liked the Yankees better in the mid 90s. Of course, after 2004, I think my favorite team is the Red Sox."

BDSM - um, I'm not sure what they stand for, I swear. You know what? Let's just move on.

TBORNTBTITQWTNITMTSTSAAOOFOTTAAASOTABOET - To be, or not to be: that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them? - I think this one is pretty self-explanatory.

Wait a minute! That wasn't heroine!

1) So Raffy "Drug Dealer's Mustache" Palmero has been taking steroids, and received a ten game suspension. He, like Bonds and Sheffield before him, claimed he didn't realize he was taking them. This time, rather than saying he thought he was taking flax-seed oil or mistaken the red pills in Bonds' bathroom for amphetamines, he claimed that he just started seeing the same acupuncturist as Sosa.

2) Actually, Palmero really just said something to the effect of, "look, I've never taken steroids before, it's my last year, I was chasing 3000 hits. Why would I risk my reputation by taking steroids?" Of course, the most logical response is: because it's your last year, you are chasing 3000 hits, were scuffling earlier in the year, and are only a hall-of-famer statistically because you've held on longer than Rickey Henderson (Fred McGriff?). Without 3000 hits, you don't have that good of an argument, and your play was suffering early on in the year, so you figured you take your chances and start (keep?) doing steroids to reach a numeric mark that helps you swindle a spot in the hall of fame.

3) Once again, my ability to say exactly the wrong thing at the wrong time astounds me. I mean, I've had some whoppers in my life, including the following, which occurred while taking to a friend of a friend in a bar, who was dressed up in a pant-suit and had at least four displays of conspicuous consumption in her outfit:

"No, I just joke around about that. About the only thing that makes me automatically assume someone is a crazy is if they are members of PETA."
I notice her eyes get wide.
"Oh, man, you're a member, aren't you?"
"No."
"Oh, thank god."
"No, I mean I work for them. I'm the regional vice president of recruiting for the mid-Atlantic."
"Oh. Guess I'll get my check."

then of course there is this doozy:

"Hey! Chrissy! Welcome, you want a beer?"
"No, thanks."
"Aww, come on, it's Spring Fling. What's the matter?"
"Nothing. Just in a bad mood."
"Well, you know what I've found always gets people out of a bad mood? I just think of a cute little cuddly puppy. Even people who don't like dogs thinks puppies are cute."
"Fletcher," she takes a beat to hold back the tears, "I'm in a bad mood because I just found out my dog died."
"You... you're kidding, right?"
(note: she wasn't)

See what I mean? So lacking tact and stumbling upon the most untimely thing to say is nothing new for me. In fact, it's one of the two things that I've realized I have an uncanny talent for (the other is being shit on by birds, but that is a story for another day). I don't mean to do it, and it's not like I have any way of knowing these things beforehand. But I keep doing it. I only mention this because I exhibited this incredibly ability last Saturday night, accidently driving a girl out of the bar in tears by making a sarcastic comment which was not understood to be sarcastic. The odd part was that the atmosphere of the evening had been a very sarcastic and jocular one, so I was surprised that the mood would change so suddenly. Well, I guess I only mention this because it is always nice to see that I wield the power to be a complete and utter dick, even if I don't necessarily have complete control over it (then again, that's half the reason I started this weblog). My friends must all now live with the constant fear that I will emotionally destroy them at any given moment, which is good in a Machiavellian sort of way, I guess. Regardless, this should be good for a free shot or two in the future.

4) Another discovery from Saturday night: Montazuma Blue Tequila, even if it is only $3 a shot, is not a good deal.

5) I am so sick of evey weblogger, sportswriter, TV flapping head, and Muslim cleric using the term "That's just Manny being Manny." That phrase has jumped the shark, is the weakest link, should be voted off the island, got punk'd, and personally I think it should go the way of the Atkins diet, the hula hoop, and a hot Kathleen Turner (which is to say, it's better to not even think about it anymore).