Thursday, August 04, 2005

Another guest column!

Seeing as how I am travelling from Philly to Rhode Island today, I knew I wouldn't be able to post. Fortunately, Sung-Ho Mpenze O'Shea offered to write a guest post so that I wouldn't have to worry my pretty little head that my readers were alone in the barren internet without the comfort that comes from reading a fresh post. Of course, I started this weblog under the impression that Sung-Ho and I were going to share the posting duties, and he bailed on me. So feel free to post in the comment section that he is a little bitch.

First off, I'm not doing any of those stupid 1)s and 2)s. Screw that. Fletcher is an unimaginative bitch, and I refuse to bend to his stiffling and moronic formula that he depends so mightly on. Now that I've got that out of the way, here are the following critiques I have on the weblog as a whole and about "Fletcher" in general.

- "Fletcher", you come across as a total dong. Take your head out of your ass and realize nobody gives half a fuck about your life, as we all know you spend your time sitting around your apartment watching illegally downloaded South Park Episodes and waiting for the "Resident Female" to leave so you can masturbate into a sock over the lingerie section of the Sears catalog. Stick to the occasionally clever things you write about how much you hate things of substance.

- "Fletcher", nobody cares you are broke, or that you love the "Evil Dead" movies and have a hard-on for Brad Pitt and Bronson Arroyo. You're insulting us by trying to guilt us into buying from those links on the side of the page. Take them down, along with the google adds. However, you can leave the Google search bar, because it allows people to leave your incessent whining that much faster.

- "High Fidelity" sucked ass, as do your lists. It's one thing to have bad taste and idiotic opinions, that's cool. It's an entirely different matter when you order them with no apparent rhyme or reason. Seriously, are you that devoid of original thought that you need to arbitrarily rank everything rather than trying to be original and actually add something to the furthment of society?

- Your metaphors are thin, your subject matter trite, your similes as dried up as sandworm's cooch, and your writing style simplistic. Actually, I really don't have a problem with that. Keep it up.

- You constantly misquote me. I would think you would have been able to master the "ctrl+c", "ctrl+v" thing, but apparently not. For example, I never said, "life is like my ex-girlfriend's ass: the older we get, the bigger and more overwhelming it becomes." (sic) I said, "life is like my ex-girlfriend's ass: the older and more mature we get, the more massive and crushingly encumbering it gets." You totally erase the genius that comes from the parallel structure, as well as the chiasmic usage of "more" and the irony of including the word "mature". Other quotes you've screwed up:
"It aint binge drinking if you do it every night."
"I'm living an x-rated life, but I keep blacking out, so I only remember the r-rated version."
and of course, "Suck my nuts, you dick-gobbling whore!" instead of "Suck my whore, you nut-gobbling dick!"

- You don't quote Monty Python enough, you English pig dog, and you probably shouldn't be writing this in the first place. Even if the Lady of the Lake told you that you should write this, which I doubt she would, you are a silly English k-nig-ht. Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' blogs is no basis for a system of webpages. Supreme blog power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. You can't expect to wield supreme blog power just because some watery tart threw an IP address at you. I mean, if I went 'round sayin' I was a blogger, just because some moistened bint lobbed a webpage at me, they'd put me away. Also, your page would be better if you had more pictures of women with huge... tracts of land, and maybe have her standing between a nice pair of shrubberies with one elevated slightly and path running between them.

-Good. Now that I've cleared the air on a few things about your blog that piss me off, I think I speak for everyone when I say that I've enjoyed your writing over the last two months a lot, and I look forward to checking it every day. Good job, and keep up the good work.

1 Comments:

At 3:28 PM, August 04, 2005, Anonymous Dorf said...

Outstanding guest column. There seem to be a lot of smart people that Fletcher's associated himself with. Can any of them explain why using the word 'outstanding' was a poor choice to start this comment?

 

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