Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Wait A Minute! That wasn't Fresca!

1) It's always good to title a post with a quote, in this case from Socrates.

2) Top ten greatest famous last quotes:
(note: these ones are real)
10. "All my possessions for a moment of time." - Elizabeth I
9. "Now comes the mystery." - Henry Ward Beecher
8. "I'm bored with it all." - Winston Churchill
7. "I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis." - Humphrey Bogart
6. "They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist. . . " General Sedgewick, KIA during the Civil War
5. "I can't sleep" - James M. Barrie
4. "Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something." - Poncho Villa
3. "Go away. I'm alright." - H.G. Wells
2. "Either that wallpaper goes or I do" - Oscar Wilde
1. "Go on, get out - last words are for fools who haven't said enough" - Karl Marx

3) Alright, that's it, I am sick and tired of these freaking abbreviations that nobody actually says in practical language, but somehow have made their way into cyberspace. You all know what I mean, because people have actually started saying them in real life, as in Fletcher tells a joke at a bar, then the person cackles hysterically then says "Lowell!" which is the crappy pronunciation of "lol". And the number of these idiotic abbreviations seems to be growing daily, and I don't have any clue what they mean. However, as I am pretty regularly behind the societal curve, I've decided to give up. I guess I've got to embrace them. And, as a way to fulfill my community service requirement from the... incident... I've done some intense research on the internet to build the following dictionary for those of you as in the dark as I am about these abbreviations. So, without further ado, here are some of the most common abbreviations, as well as what they stand for and a brief interpretation:

lol- Liver OverLoad - I've drank so much that your insipid and second-rate witticism actually seems funny. Example: "Testicles and Scrotum! lol! That's priceless!"

IMHO - Indignant Manipulative Homo-erotic or Offensive - this is actually more of a warning than a direct abbreviation, but it is to warn the reader that something belligerent, unsophisticated, and most likely racist is to follow. Example: "IMHO, Kenny Loggins kicked ass!"

BTW (or occasionally BTdubs) - Breasts, Titties, & Vagina - this is actually of Russian origin (hence the "v" sounding like a "w"), this is a metaphor, suggesting that in fact there is more to a women than her mind, and in fact there is something shallow yet incredibly attractive that we can say is an ancilliary benefit to these wonderful creatures. Example: "Thanks for sending me that picture, because it really is nice to put a face to your name. BTW, what a sweet ass."

ROTFLMAO - Ridiculing Others For Limps, Malformations, And Otherassortedailmentsthattheymighthave - a cousin of lol, this is used whenever something incredibly obvious is pointed out in a way that is suppossed to be comical, but actually sounds retarded. The writer is obviously suffering from some sort of handicap or mental defect, and a person responding with ROTFLMAO is pointing this out and following it up with a sarcastic comment to humor the original comment, much in the same way that we all point out deformed and handicapped people on the street and laugh at them, yet pretend to be nice to them the way Ed Harris was to Cuba Gooding Jr in Radio. Example: "ROTFLMAO! Fifty First Dates was really funny!"

FWIW - Fuck Whatever you Idiots Write - roughly translates as "you're opinion fellates goats." Example "My opinion is law, FWIW."

CT - Cocksucking Territory - An area of land situated between Rhode Island and New York, it is used mostly as a strip of highway connecting the rest of the country to New England, as well as the official douchebags landfill and repository of the United States. Example: "I live in Greenwich, CT. When I grew up in the 80s I rooted for the Mets, but I decided I liked the Yankees better in the mid 90s. Of course, after 2004, I think my favorite team is the Red Sox."

BDSM - um, I'm not sure what they stand for, I swear. You know what? Let's just move on.

TBORNTBTITQWTNITMTSTSAAOOFOTTAAASOTABOET - To be, or not to be: that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them? - I think this one is pretty self-explanatory.


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