Monday, August 01, 2005

Wait a minute! That wasn't heroine!

1) So Raffy "Drug Dealer's Mustache" Palmero has been taking steroids, and received a ten game suspension. He, like Bonds and Sheffield before him, claimed he didn't realize he was taking them. This time, rather than saying he thought he was taking flax-seed oil or mistaken the red pills in Bonds' bathroom for amphetamines, he claimed that he just started seeing the same acupuncturist as Sosa.

2) Actually, Palmero really just said something to the effect of, "look, I've never taken steroids before, it's my last year, I was chasing 3000 hits. Why would I risk my reputation by taking steroids?" Of course, the most logical response is: because it's your last year, you are chasing 3000 hits, were scuffling earlier in the year, and are only a hall-of-famer statistically because you've held on longer than Rickey Henderson (Fred McGriff?). Without 3000 hits, you don't have that good of an argument, and your play was suffering early on in the year, so you figured you take your chances and start (keep?) doing steroids to reach a numeric mark that helps you swindle a spot in the hall of fame.

3) Once again, my ability to say exactly the wrong thing at the wrong time astounds me. I mean, I've had some whoppers in my life, including the following, which occurred while taking to a friend of a friend in a bar, who was dressed up in a pant-suit and had at least four displays of conspicuous consumption in her outfit:

"No, I just joke around about that. About the only thing that makes me automatically assume someone is a crazy is if they are members of PETA."
I notice her eyes get wide.
"Oh, man, you're a member, aren't you?"
"Oh, thank god."
"No, I mean I work for them. I'm the regional vice president of recruiting for the mid-Atlantic."
"Oh. Guess I'll get my check."

then of course there is this doozy:

"Hey! Chrissy! Welcome, you want a beer?"
"No, thanks."
"Aww, come on, it's Spring Fling. What's the matter?"
"Nothing. Just in a bad mood."
"Well, you know what I've found always gets people out of a bad mood? I just think of a cute little cuddly puppy. Even people who don't like dogs thinks puppies are cute."
"Fletcher," she takes a beat to hold back the tears, "I'm in a bad mood because I just found out my dog died."
"You... you're kidding, right?"
(note: she wasn't)

See what I mean? So lacking tact and stumbling upon the most untimely thing to say is nothing new for me. In fact, it's one of the two things that I've realized I have an uncanny talent for (the other is being shit on by birds, but that is a story for another day). I don't mean to do it, and it's not like I have any way of knowing these things beforehand. But I keep doing it. I only mention this because I exhibited this incredibly ability last Saturday night, accidently driving a girl out of the bar in tears by making a sarcastic comment which was not understood to be sarcastic. The odd part was that the atmosphere of the evening had been a very sarcastic and jocular one, so I was surprised that the mood would change so suddenly. Well, I guess I only mention this because it is always nice to see that I wield the power to be a complete and utter dick, even if I don't necessarily have complete control over it (then again, that's half the reason I started this weblog). My friends must all now live with the constant fear that I will emotionally destroy them at any given moment, which is good in a Machiavellian sort of way, I guess. Regardless, this should be good for a free shot or two in the future.

4) Another discovery from Saturday night: Montazuma Blue Tequila, even if it is only $3 a shot, is not a good deal.

5) I am so sick of evey weblogger, sportswriter, TV flapping head, and Muslim cleric using the term "That's just Manny being Manny." That phrase has jumped the shark, is the weakest link, should be voted off the island, got punk'd, and personally I think it should go the way of the Atkins diet, the hula hoop, and a hot Kathleen Turner (which is to say, it's better to not even think about it anymore).


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