Guest Column

Seeing as how I am out of town and doing fabulous things without any of you, I've turned over the weblog to Sung-Ho Mpenze O'Shea, who had a few more criticisms for me and others. Please note, because Sung-Ho can't punctuate to save his life and has the grammar of an Italian from Brooklyn, this has been edited.

Hey, make the title to my column:

It's...

Allright, first off, let's get the Fletcher bashing out of the way. I did not, in fact, write the guest column that was posted under my assumed name. Fletcher just took a bunch of clips from my emails to him, without my knowing, and just slapped them together haphazzardly, edited them to make me sound less intelligent, and brutally added a few sentences that tried to make the thing read well. Oh, and he did all this without telling me. So, Fletcher can officially dine on my scrotum. Oh, and that whole Monty Python thing was his doing. I did say something like "you should make more Monty Python references", but were I to make a joke like that, I think I would have, oh, I don't know, stopped when it was still funny and not when it was completely driven into the ground. Note to Fletcher: subtlety is this season's black.

2nd note to Fletcher: Yes, I am mocking you, you turd-burgling hyenna. "...is this season's black" is one of the more dongish things you continually bring up. Get a new stupid and overworked catchphrase. And I already know what you are thinking, and changing it to "...is this season's pink" aint gonna cut it. Also, leave the the creationists alone. Their lives already suck, they aren't going to be swayed by your opinion if they ever heard you say it, and they never will hear it because whenever they try to turn on the computer it always ends up turning into that 2001 scene from Zoolander.

Now that I've set the record straight, I'd like to begin my rant please.

The following are people and things I hate:

Paris Hilton, the media icon
Paris Hilton, the acquaintence
Jon Bon Jovi
Hugo Chavez
Pat Robertson
Jerry Falwell
Ronald McDonald
Rap music
Hip hop music
Classical music
Plebeians
Thespians
Actors who take themselves too seriously
The one or two actors who don't fall into that category
Granola
Marvin Gaye
Randall Gay
Gaylord Focker
L Ron Hubbard
Old Mother Hubbard
Acne
Bacne
Crackne
Crackheads
Newlyweds
Nearly Deads (seniors)
My ex-fiancee
The dude that was ploughing my ex-fiancee
Auto-flush toilets that go off when you are still sitting on them
ASCII
Macintoshes
Red deliciouses (delicious my ass!)
Redheads
Scarlet O'hara
Scarlet fever
Disco fever
Discotheque and every other U2 album since Pop
B2 bombers
The Bronx Bombers
Chicks without bombs
Misogynists
Scientologists
Coral Reefs
The whales, or at least the ones that need saving
Savings Bonds
Barry Bonds
Barry Switzer
Switerland
Maryland
Mary Queen of Scots
Scott Stapp
Staph infections
Communist defections (just kill Castro already)
Community theatre
Kabuki Theatre
Bukaki porn
Porno for Pyros
Pyrotechnics at concerts
Crabs
Writing guest column