Friday, August 26, 2005

100th Post Anniversary Special

1) It's a banner day here at the offices of “I have rants in my pants”. That’s right, we successfully made it to 100 posts! So grab the glasses, pop open the champagne, and call up the escort service, because we are going to party. Or at least I am. Now where's that mescalin?

2) Seeing as how you, all my readers, have followed and supported me so fervently with your brutally honest opinions and rabidly vicious personal attacks, and have persevered through this narrative with me, I feel like I owe you all something special today. Well, much like one of those eerie, creepy-child horror movies that have flooded the theaters over the last few years, I’ve decided that now is the time to reveal some predictable secret that is supposed to clear things up about my whole story, but really is just some trite ploy to get one last scare and is just stupid and somewhat nonsensical, so here it goes:

Many of you have known me for years. Others have never met me. But you all should know something about me (sniff) which I think will explain a lot. I’m… I’m actually, well, I’m originally from New Jersey. Oh, God, you can’t imagine the shame, the agony that I’ve endured throughout my life harboring the dark secret that I was born in the Garden State. This horrid knowledge was buried deep within me, slowly eating at my soul and driving me to the brink of insanity. Though I’ve trudged through life, pretending to be normal, making small talk and smiling, yet all I could think about was that I was a freak, born under a dark shroud of shame and sadness, and I can live with it no longer. I know many of you probably feel betrayed, even disgusted, that you have associated with someone born in New Jersey, but I can’t run from who I am anymore. I’ve decided to embrace my past; that’s why I am going to grow back my mullet, trade in my Volvo for an IROC, gain fifty pounds, start working at a gas station, wear a wife beater stained with beer and marinara sauce, and practice saying, "Yo, ya' gots ta' believe me! She looked at least 18 at the time, ya' honor! "

3) I would also like to take this opportunity to publically apologize to those I have offended over the years:

First, I would like to apologize to my family, friends, and the Resident Female who have stayed by my side despite the myriad of times I have embarrassed, threatened, hurt, deformed, or murdered them.

I also would like to apologize to my boss, whose coffee cup I accidently knocked over in the pantry last week. Fortunately it was empty at the time, but still, I am very sorry.

I would like to apologize to the O' Seamus Mahaffy for accidentilly putting seven shots of whiskey into the coffee I fixed him when he asked me to make him one for the road, and I just assumed he meant an Irish coffee. I'm sure the vehicular manslaughter charge won't stick.

I would like to apologize to the residents of apartment 430. I can assure you that when I constructed that large-scale incidiary device, I never meant for it to hurt anyone, and I'm still not sure how it got into your apartment in the first place.

I would like to apologize to Jessica Alba, as I'm sorry I haven't yet found the time to give you the priveledge of me making love to you; it's on my to-do list.

I'm sorry, Michael Bay, that none of your movies are any good.

I would like to apologize to my cat, Mung Muncher, for giving you such a terrible name.

I would like to apologize to the people at the aquarium in Baltimore on July 27th, I'm sorry you had to see that. I would also like to apologize to that sea turtle, as well, whom I hear is going to make a full recovery.

I would like to apologize to my friend, Kevin, for the time I laced his condom with superglue instead of spermicidal jelly, as well as to the sheep who died as a result.

I would like to apologize to Ben Affleck, for all the times I made fun of him. I only now see the folly and tastelessness of making fun of those with mental handicaps, and I promise to never do it again. Today.

I would like to apologize to all the French people for pointing out they were from France.

I would like to apologize to my secretary, who unfortunately walked into my office just as my pants were falling down. I can assure you I was merely reffering to the other chair in my office when I said to her, "Why don't you plop youself down on this..."

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to all those whom I end up forgetting to apologize to in this list.


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