Animal Rights Activities: elevating "Moron" to a new level

1) Fairly uneventful drive home from Philly to RI, though a woman tailgated me all the way from New Have to Mystic. Basically, we had a case of a Mom with her kid, driving a BMW SUV, who was not a very good driver. I'm as shocked as you.

2) Heard an interesting thing on the way through New York yesterday while listening to 1010 WINs: apparently some animal rights activists went a guy's house (I believe his name was Calhoun) in New Jersey, destroyed his garden, spray painted "Puppy killer" all over his house, and glued the locks to his car and front door. They apparently did this thinking the guy worked for a pharmaceutical company that tests on animals. Of course, this is just a guy with a name similar to someone who works there. So these geniuses essentially destroyed a guy’s home because they couldn't figure out how to properly use a phone book. At least they caught them.

3) While I realize ripping into PETA, animal rights groups, and the ALF (that's animal liberation front, not a puppet that does commercials with Mike Piazza) is pretty easy, here are the reasons that these people are completely nuts:

1. "No offense, PETA, but when they were handing out causes, you must have been out back taking a whiz."
I understand that dogs, cats, puppies, and kittens are cute, and that testing on animals can be cruel. I also doubt I would enjoy living my life in a high-capacity feed lot. However, who cares? With the amount of human suffering, economic disparity, environmental destruction, and about a thousand other worthy causes and organizations, people actually devote their lives to protecting freaking chickens? I'm sorry, but let's worry about the welfare of, you know, sentient beings first. I mean, it's all well and good that you can get your underwear in a knot over people eating meat and having pets, but seriously? Do something productive with your life, like joining a rodeo or being chopped up by a wheat thresher.

2. Um, so what do you want us to do with them?
These groups will often proclaim that they want no pets, farm-raised animals, beasts of burden, animal testing, or any other example of an animal being used as a "slave". Okay, let's say that we do end all usage and captivity of animals. What do we do with them? I mean, should we just unlock the doors to every pound and animal testing facility and just let these little guys start running around? That is a terrible idea, and I'm not just saying that because I saw 28 days later. Seriously, if we aren't supposed to hurt animals, what do we do when they start hurting us? Do we just let them run around the street, 12 Monkey's style? No, I don't think that would work. At least not for anyone that has ever had to do a regular morning commute. Also, PETA, most of your money comes from pet owners. Why don't you pressure them to get rid of their pets?

3. You only find them cute because you are emotionally stunted.
Also, since you all are probably animal rights activists because you never got over the fact that your cute little dog or cat was run over by a car when you were ten, isn't it cruel of us to turn out the domesticated animals that can't survive without out us? I mean, these beasts of burden and domesticated pets have been bred for years to essentially take the wild out of them, and they are not particularly capable of surviving on their own without our help or without becoming feral. So what is better: having humans have pets in the home or roving packs of dogs that attack and eat children in the streets? Despite your idealistic utopian view of a world where you can laugh and play in the fields with all the freed animals, nature is a fairly sadistic place where the animals would be constantly murdering the crap out of not only each other, but us as well. Having you ever watched the National Geographic channel? I mean, for purposes other than pornography? Those cut little puppies you are saving would kill and eat you if they were hungry. Seriously, when you come up with a remotely practical alternative for what we are to do with all these animals other than just let them run around at will, let me know.

4. You only care about the cute animals.
I've never seen a rally begging people to please think about the worms. Until Platyhelminthes and Cnideria are big concerns of your groups, screw off.

5. If you guys are so humane, then how come you don’t care about humans?
I was always under the impression that firebombing buildings, vandalizing people’s homes, destroying people’s livelihood, and threatening violence were bad things. But apparently harassing and threatening people is okay if it helps put even one more rat on the street, right? The fact that PETA has used violence and intimidation, not to mention their financial resources, to further these causes, is just so counter-intuitive that they make me want to firebomb and threaten their members.

6. You use animals to live!
One of the VPs, Mary Beth Sweetland, uses insulin. Insulin is tested on animals and still contains products derived from animals. Also, you all probably live in houses which have insulation, which also uses animal products. You all probably have used glue, which even if it is a brand that synthesizes horse foot, still propagates the trends that use horse foot. Okay, didn’t buy that last one? Well, how about wearing faux-leather belts and shoes, which does nothing to stem the social stereotype of wearing leather.

7. You know, I rather enjoyed my bout of Ebola.
This is the worst of it: they don’t want medical testing on animals anymore. Forget the fact that probably 90% of all advances in medicine are made because of this research, this is just stupid. Unless these ninnies volunteer to take the place of the rats and chimps, this is the stupidest part of their argument. Look, it’s cruel and unusual and all that other stuff, but if you ever have had an infected hangnail or pinkeye, then don’t forget to thank the animals. Animal testing is necessary for medical research. If you jackasses really want to prove a point, boycott all pharmaceuticals and healthcare in this country. Until you do that, I won’t listen to you. Of course, you’ll all be dead, so it won’t be a problem anymore.