Sunday, December 31, 2006

Tough thoughts on divorce

The Resident Female recently recieved an email from a Brazilian paralegal she used to work with at her old firm of Stalin, Satan, & Hilton in which he chronicled the events of his brief marriage and resulting divorce that all occurred since the last time she talked to him, all of 12 months ago. This of course led to a lengthy discussion about the inequities and complications of the divorce process in general and the splitting of assets specifically. Amidsts all this hemming and hawing, once again I, Fletcher Austin McGuffin, came up with a plan that will ultimately benefit society. So, without further ado, here is my plan for divorce: rather than splitting up assets 50-50 and squabbling over who gets the house, who gets the kids, child support, alimony, etc, one person will get to leave the marriage with everything. Which member of the marriage that is will be decided by doing a 10-step duel with pistols at dawn to be supervised by an officer of the court.

Think about it, this would be great. First, there would be a clear winner and a legal system in place to prevent the long and drawn out (and costly) battles that often accompany divorce. Second, the winning party is pretty much garaunteed to feel some kind of closure. Third, I'm pretty sure it would cut down on the divorce rate in the country. Win-win-win. So, dear readers, let me know what you think.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

2 Down, 1 To Go

So the 5 day marathon of testing and grading is about over. I have nailed the first two exams, and I am just waiting to take my last one on Tuesday, after which I will try to grade all of the Munchkins' finals that night before I fly home. Yee ha!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

What genius came up with that statistic?

Last night on Nightline, in a piece about diamonds, the narrator said that most engagements and proposals happen this time of year. He backed this up by saying "December and the run-up through Valentines Day accounts for 25% of all engagements." So, let's see, Valentines Day is in February, and January comes between February and December... So three months account for 25% of all engagements that occur in a calendar year. Hmmm...

Wednesday, December 13, 2006


Good Times! So they got him, and they got him for about the original contract they sent (so that Boras crap was a wholelot of nothing). $8.5 per, so not bad considering the numbers getting bandied about.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

So, how do you feel

I got an email today asking what my opinion is of the Patriots chances of making it 4 in 6 to match the 70's Steelers. Well, after watching that game on Sunday, being asked that question gave me the same feeling that I got when the Resident Female asked me to go onto the Jerry Springer show: this probably isn't going to end well.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Oh, don't you worry (edited)

I'm pretty sure Matsuzaka is signing, as is this guy. Right now, Boras is just playing chicken, thinking that the Red Sox are in for a penny then they are in for a pound. There is no other team offering him a contract, no other dark horse deal lurking in the shadows to snatch him away from the Sox. The only way to squeeze the Sox is to make them think he wouldn't sign. So, he takes the comprehensive deal sent by the Sox and tables it for three weeks. He makes time the enemy, pushing the posture right up to the deadline to see how much squirming and movement he can elicit out of the Red Sox before they move to double their offer. That is what he is doing, and the Sox know it, and they will get a deal done. And if they don't, I am going to break my other ankle.

Here's the thing, though: everybody involved wants this deal to get done. Everybody.

Obviously, Siebu wants the deal because it would springboard them into the position as the wealthiest team in Japan for at least the short term.

The Sox want the deal because it would be somewhat embarrassing to bid and fail, but more importantly they need him.

Matsuzaka wants to play in the league. He has dreamed of it since he was a kid, the offer on the table has him tripling his salary, and he comes from a culture of pride and honor that would probably view his "greed" in a much more negative light than the US (or at least that is what all these stories that writers have written has led me to believe). Even if he views the posting system as a load of crap, he probably doesn't want to be the one that takes it down at his own expense.

Boras needs him to sign because, even if his goal is to wreck the posting system, it would ultimately be counterproductive for him. Even if he does get the posting system broken (which is no sure thing, even if Matsuzaka doesn't sign), he still will likely get a bad reputation with other Japanese players moving forward. Further, there is no gaurantee that Matsuzaka won't fire him during the year before next year's posting period or two years from now when he is a free agent.

So, personally, I think the "it's dead" stories are the Sox sending some underground smoke signals to Matsuzaka and Japan in general as a way to turn around some of that heat they are feeling and putting it on Boras. I think the Sox, having invested nothing but a theoretical bid, are trying to make Boras twist in the wind the same way he was trying to bluff them into upping their ante. It will happen.

It has to happen.


Then again, this could be really good or really bad news.

Friday, December 08, 2006

So you've resorted to posting about your dreams?

Last night I had a dream where Roger Clemens tried to bean Ortiz, charged the plate after the throw, then had a look of complete shock and horror on his face as Tizzle managed to severely break Clemens' ankle in such a way that he would have an arthritic limp for the rest of his greedy and bitch-like days. It was one of the best dreams I've ever had, possibly in part because it was so random.

However, I have noticed of late (the last week or so) that many of my dreams either have me walking without crutches or involve other people breaking their ankles.

As for today's completely random thought (note: I am watching the morning news):
Would anyone in Iran notice if the CIA secretly assissinated Ahmadinejad, then installed a bearded Tony Shalhoub as our puppet regime double of the dead president? I mean, the guy is an actor, so he could probably pull it off. He seems patriotic enough, and he could end the possibility of Iran going nuclear. You see, it's insights like this that would make me the best supreme ruler the United States has ever seen.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

You know what? It's not my money.

Sure, they paid too much and put too many years into Lugo and Drew. Hopefully they also won't trade Manny, meaning the Sox are spending a lot of money this year. Sure, it was a winter of excess in terms of dollars. However, I'm not making any trips to Fenway this year, I'm not buying any merchandise, and I'm not paying any part of their salaries. So instead, as currently constituted (and if they don't make another move other than signing Matsuzaka), the Sox are going into training camp with the following team:

Starting 9:

SS Lugo (r)
1B Youkilis (r)
DH Ortiz (l)
LF Ramirex (r)
RF Drew (l)
3B Lowell (r)
C Varitek (s)
CF Crisp (s)
2B Pedroia (r)

Although I could see Crisp hitting 9th as the "2nd leadoff", and also to make the l-r balance a bit more. Regardless, that is a pretty strong lineup. Lowell and Varitek will probably continue their slide, but hopefully Crisp and Youks will improve (especially now that Crisp's hand has had a year to heal).

OF Wily Mo (though he is now trade bait for a closer)
OF David Murphy
IF Cora
C Unkown (Kotteras?)
OF/1B Eric Hinske

Not too shabby. A little hard on the defensive replacement front, but a fairly good compliment. Maybe a bit too right handed.

S Curt Schilling
S Daisuke Matsuzaka
S Tim Wakefield
S Jon Papelbon
S Josh Beckett

Monster. Absolute Monster. With some good swing guys in the wings.

Swingman: Clement/Lester/Snyder/Dinardo/Gabbard/Hansack

Side note: congrats to Jon Lester for being cancer free. May you comeback as a beast on the mound.

RP Timlin
RP Delcarmen
RP Hansen
RP Okajima
RP Tavarez

A little light on the closer front, so there is likely to be a move, especially since the Sox are basically carrying 3 backup outfielders. Not sure who the odd man out is. However, if Hansen and Delcarmen continue to develop and Okajima is as advertized, this could be a pretty decent bullpen. If Hansen can find that high-80s/low 90s slider that we heard about and can step into the closer role, well, this could be the best Sox bullpen since 2004 (before Foulke, Embree, and Timlin got roasted to a fine crisp).

Overall, with the exception of closer, that is a pretty nice 25 man roster. The lineup is now able to mash, and the 1-5 in the lineup is pretty sick, especially Ortiz to Drew. The starting pitching

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Random thought of the day

I like sex to be like eating a grapefruit: when you're done your hands are all sticky and your eyes are stinging from the spray.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Happy Birthday to Me

It's true: Fletcher is now 26. So, let's take a quick examination his life.

Fletcher is currently being paid roughly $7 an hour to teach munchkins the ins and outs of macroeconomics and regression analysis. He still can't grow a decent moustache (much less a passable beard), is still technically single, and instead of watching the Pats beat the Lions live spent the day reading the online play-by-play and popping vicodin. For reference, at this point in his life Einstein had pretty much completed all of his groundbreaking theoretical work.

Anyhow, the Resident Female and I will finish off the night in bed watching Superman Returns and Boston Legal, nursing a horrendous case of the flu and a broken ankle (respectively).


As the last hour of my birthday comes to a close, and the Broncos cling to a hopeful defeat, I felt the need to type up my view on Superman returns, as I was rather disappointed with the results. The movie lacked any real excitement, and was extremely long for something so freaking boring. Further, I found that Superman was not so much a man with multiple super powers, but rather just a really good pusher. Seriously, I think that is all he did. If something was falling, he got in front of it and pushed until it slowed to a stop. If something was stopped, he pushed it until it moved out of where it wasn't suppossed to be. It was like watching a glorified warehouse worker for two and a half hours.

Jay Cutler, trying to erase a 4 point deficeit, just got intercepted. I'm going to watch the last 4 minutes. Good night.