Tuesday, August 16, 2005

The Return of The Native

1) I know it has been a while since I posted. I apologize for my prolonged absence. While I could just as easily explain that I was on vacation in Rhode Island, and that the decision to ignore my self-imposed duty of coming up with witty and informative opinions on the hard hitting issues of today was caused by a need for relaxation and just being away from the internet in general, I won't do that. Instead, for the mutual benefit of both myself and my readers, let's just say I was recovering in the hospital from a nasty injury I got during the coin toss of the company football game.

2) For those who had been missing my highly opinionated stances on the issues, here are a few quick hits of what you should all think about the things that have been in the news recently:
a) Kittens are outstanding.
b) The only proper way to hang toilet paper is overhand.
c) Screw clouds. If there is anything better in the skies than stars, I don't want to know about it.
d) Computers are a fad, and will soon be collecting dust in the closets with our hoola-hoops and rubella innoculations.
e) Missing blonde girls and shark attacks are the only real news stories that happen any more.
f) Genocide, schmenocide. We want more Brad and Jennifer!

Alright, now that we are up to date, I will now return to our regularly scheduled intelligent discourse of boob jokes:

Spider Mammaries - With great breasts comes great responsibility.

You get it? You see, because usually it's Spider-Man, and he says "with great power comes great responsibility." And, what I've done is cleverly switch "powers" with "breast", implying that breasts have powers that are similar to the ones acquired when bitten by a radioactive spider and becoming a vigilante. It works on so many levels.

Oh, man, it's good to be back.

3) You know, I think this has about as worthy as a place in biology as intelligent design. Thanks to Randy MaCheckingLine for the link.

4) Unfortunately, I couldn't find a link, but the city of New York just passed a ban on panhandling in an area in front of several businesses and shopping areas. What really caught my attention about all this stuff was that apparently there were a ton of people protesting the vote, and that the advocacy groups for the homeless were incredibly upset by this, saying they were making it illegal to be homeless. Okay, I kind of get this, but really, isn't this just insane? I mean, wasn't it already illegal to beg for money? And who the hell cares if these homeless people, who are pretty much nomadic by default, have to move somewhere else to illegally solicit and in some cases extort untaxed funds usually used for drugs and alcohol? I guess I'm just in awe of the fact that there is an advocacy group for everyone (note: I would normally create a hyperlink to Nambla.com, but screw them. Child molestation isn't getting linked from me).

5) For those who don't know, Nambla is the North American Man-Boy Love Association. Really. They actually exist, they aren't just a fake group that the guys from South Park made up to make a funny show. I am as disturbed as you, especially since I now have a link to their website in my cookie history. I feel dirty, and am probably about to be arrested by the FBI. Be prepared for another prolonged absence, unless prison has WiFi now.


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