Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Suck it up, cupcake!

1) I've decided not to do an in depth NFL preview this year, because I would mostly be stealing a lot of my opinions from Aaron Schatz of and his book Football Prospectus (see links on the right, it's a really fantastic book). Instead, here is a list of completely irrational and unfounded predictions for the coming NFL season:

Because it is so weak, the Eagles will have locked up the best record in the NFC by week 3. Also, sometime after week 8, Andy "mustache of a failed porn actor" Reid will punch Owens square in the nuts.

That said, the Eagles aren't going back to the superbowl. Detroit will host the first home-team in the superbowl, and will be met by the Bengals. Both will sport great offenses with moderate defenses. The game will end unexpectedly when the sky opens up and The Rapture begins.

If he comes back and plays well, Eagles fans will love TO even more than before, because they are all whores.

Matt Leinert, Bear for life.

Mike Tice will miss coaching at least two games because he gets a concussion while drinking water and the toilet seats smashes into the back of his head.

People still won't realize Michael Vick is a terrible quarterback because of highlights and fantasy football.

Peyton Manning will be caught in a compromising position involving a jar of vaseline, a small farm animal, and Paula Poundstone. Okay, maybe not.

Curtis Martin and Ty Law will both age very quickly this season. This means New York will officially steal from Buffalo the sign that says, "Where old Patriots come to die".

Jerome Bettis will run through a huge hole that the line opens up, get 6-yards down the field untouched and be knocked down by the first defender that hits him; he'll get up and do that head-shaking dance as if he made the run by himself.

Randy Moss will make absolutely no headlines this year and be a perfectly good citizen. So will Kid Rock.

The other Dolphins will strap Ricky Williams to a bench and beat the crap out of him by week 4 for constantly saying before practice, "Don't forget to bring a towel!"

2) So I seem to have reacquired the plague that I had several weeks ago, on the last night I was in Rhode Island. I am not pleased, as once again I wake up each day feeling like the inside of Tara Reid's mouth on a Sunday morning.


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