Tuesday, August 30, 2005

A Call to Inaction

I’m here today to talk to you about an organization that could change your life.

Now, I want you all to think back, way back. When was the last time you or someone you know was standing in front of the capital building with a bullhorn?

If you believe that there are too many pointless rallies and protests in Washington, you are not alone. The Apathy Coalition can help. Because enough really is e-FREAKING-nough.

Oh, I get it. You just want to be heard. I see. Yep, that’s your first amendment right.

Well, as a founding member of Irony International, I’m going to use this public forum so that I am heard. I am having an open call for members into Irony International’s newest subgroup, the Apathy Coalition. Our sole purpose is to promote apathy in the over-zealous protesters the world over.

Don’t worry about signing up anywhere; it is our strict policy that anyone who signs a piece of paper in order to join the Apathy Coalition is automatically expelled from the group. In fact, the only actions that are legitimately allowed by the group must fall strictly under rules governing Irony International. All actions must either be designed "to foster a greater understanding of common sense by surgically removing the overblown cause from a protester’s rectum" or to "enlighten the general public of another’s self-absorption through humorous, well-thought-out counteractions and/or childish name calling."

For example, a war-protester is walking around the Mall brandishing a sign stating, "An eye for an eye will leave the world blind." As a good Irony International member, protocol would be to follow said individual around, very closely, with a sign reading to the effect of "So lets blind the other motherf***ers first!" To go truly above and beyond the call of duty, the faithful member could also get some friends to organize a pro-war rally on the other side of the street and soak those peace-pansies with a fire-hose. Or steal their wallets, whatever.

Besides, we are doing this for the protester’s own good. This is about their safety and well being. Do you know how many people are hospitalized each year for protest-related injuries, often still clutching their signs and babbling incoherently about sweatshops and intelligent design? Well, I don’t have the exact numbers with me right now, but I bet they’re chilling.

Furthermore, we must get them to drop their cause in the hope that, if caught early enough, they will still be able to get and retain a life. This isn’t the sixties anymore. Just going to a protest isn’t going to get these people laid (which is unfortunate, because it is my theory that a good lay is really all that most of these unfortunate souls need to become normal again).
So, as a final plea to all those out there: if you, or someone you know, might be infected with a need to be politically active over something trivial, there is help out there for you. The Apathy Coalition, a subsidiary of Irony International. Getting people lives since 1970.


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