In honor of David Wells

For some reason, I felt like this might be appropriate to welcome Wells back to the team:

Balance of Power in the AL East

Only an analytical post today because 1) It's monday 2) I'm feeling somewhat downtrodden for no apparent reason 3) I need to finish a project and 4) once that is done I really need to crank out the last few chapters in my book on finance.

With that in mind, I thought I meant just put out a thought on the AL East.

Currently, the AL east is tied up, with the Sox and Yanks even in the loss column and the Sox holding a lead only by virtue of having a win in hand. The Yanks just traded for an all-star right-fielder who this year has statistically been about Trot Nixon this year: both are OBP machines with significantly less pop than in years past. They also got rid of Sydney Ponson's role by putting a soft throwing Corey Lidle into their rotation. And they were able to make these additions by trading pretty much just cash, a 27-year-old AAAA player, their 2005 draft pick that they took instead of Craig Hansen, and two rookie league players. Basically, the Yanks traded a half a prospect for some big contracts, and very well may have made their lineup even stronger than before.

On the Sox side of things, they get Orsen back in the rotation tonight, traded for a AAAA reliever which means that Van Buren can take his six-run one-out self back to Pawtucket to work himself out. That said, the Sox have pretty much scuffled since the break, save for the visit by the Royal/Rangers. There also is about 7 hours until the trade deadline, and just about every writer on the internet seems to think the Sox are about to pull off something big, but they have no idea what that might be. Of course, that silence/crypticness generally means that absolutely nothing is happening and/or Theo is racking up the phone bill to screw with the market. I've heard the Sox are seriously interested in Schmidt, Soriano, Peavy, Westbrook, Seaver, Blue, Cobb, and Mantle, and they are willing to trade Lowell, Loretta, Crisp, Wily Mo, Youks, Trot, and the 2004 championship trophy to make it happen. Personally, I've given up trying to even pay attention.

As for the rest of the way, the Sox have more home games than any other team in the AL, though they still have to make a pretty brutal west coast swing and have a bitch-all of a schedule in mid-August. The Yanks schedule actually made grade out a bit harder, especially if they stop playing teams like the DRays and Texas (pre Cliff Lee), but not much harder other than it is a bit more travel heavy.

I am too damn tired to talk about the Jays.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have no idea what is going to happen. I will say that it is pretty frustrating to see that the Sox have given away at least 4 games this year that really should have been wins (19 inning game, I'm looking at you), but then again I'm sure most fans of other teams could say the same thing. Really, I think the biggest scheduling quirk, thanks to a pair of rain outs, is that the Sox and Yanks are going to be playing their last 9 games against each other in two series at each park, first with a 5-game set at the Fens followed by a 4 game set at the toilet, each with a double-header mixed in.

Alright, I need coffee.

With apologies to Steady B...

I'm sorry, but Jim Duquette has killed baseball. I realize there have been some pretty stupid trades over the years (Bagwell/Anderson and Slocumb/Lowe+Tek to name two), but that Kazmir for Zambrano trade is still absolutely wrecking the trade market. We've heard for the last two months that it's a seller's market, so all the moronic GMs who could not put together any semblence of a remotely competitive team are going insane.

Let's take Jim Bowden, for example. I live in DC, so I hear a lot about him. I see his fat face with that creepy haircut of his, and I just want to punch him. He kind of looks like Sydney Ponson, if he were ever sober enough to be given a front office job. Bowden has Alfonso Soriano to trade. Soriano is a power bat with supbar defense in the outfield or at 2b, a crappy OBP, and will hack at any breaking ball low and away (though the NL hasn't figured this out, for some reason). And he is making $10mm this year before he becomes a free agent. He is a good player, not particularly cheap, but would probably nestle into a nice lineup on a contender and give them a boost. He has inherent value. And apparently, there are 6 or 7 teams interested in Soriano. So what does Bowden do? He asks for 2 frontline prospect plus another middling one as the leaping off point for discussions. What? Are you that stupid? (note: Christian Guzman say "hi") This is the equivalent of having a few people all willing to pony up $60 for something. Maybe, if you are good at playing the sides off one another, you could get one of them to take a leap up to $75. But Bowden is setting telling each of them that the price starts at $1,000,000. Honestly, I'm 95% sure that all Washington is going to get from Soriano is a couple of draft picks, unless Bowden suddenly sees reality a few minutes before the deadline, in which case he trades Soriano for a $50 package. Bowden is a freaking idiot, especially since all this waiting around has allowed the Brewers to come on the market with Cliff Lee, so Soriano is now a bit redundant. 2 months of Soriano realistically should fetch you maybe a top-line prospect, almost definitely a B+ prospect in the upper levels of the minors. Yet, somehow, I think Bowden will find a way to get nothing in return for him.

Or what about the Phillies? Apparently, they want either Lester or Hansen for Cory Lidle. Cory Lidle. For a guy whose numbers are worse than Jeff Suppan's were in 2003 before the trade deadline. Jeff Suppan, who was suppossed to be worth Brandon Lyon (which somehow ended up being Freddy Sanchez due to the Pirates crying foul about an MRI). Maybe that isn't quite Bowden territory, but it's in the same general vicinity.

Honestly, the only team that seems to have a clue about this is the Royals. They have nothing, yet they have traded a few moving parts and gotten some respectable minor league arms to show for it. They haven't had a blockbuster, but they have received a nice return on what they had, and more importantly they have been able to actually move them. Sure, Mark Redman is still there, but he'll be going somewhere for what I imagine will be a B-grade AAA prospect and a low A player or two who might actually have potential.

It's crazy. There is so much dreck, and little else, bouncing around in the free agent market. Yet, somehow, I don't think the few guys that are worth trading are going anywhere, at least at value. I think Bowden has set the bar so high for himself that he won't have time to actually hammer out a deal. Nobody is seriously talking to him, with 3 days left. He won't end up moving Soriano because no team is desperate enough to even approach his demands. So, Monday morning, I think he'll be the one staring down at the 10 hours left on the trade clock and having nobody biting on Soriano, and he'll be calling other GMs begging them to give him $0.80 on the dollar for Soriano, and to please take Livan while you're at it. Unless he can get the Reds on the phone.

I'm sorry, but 4th starters at the deadline do not bring back power left-handed pitchers. Poor-defensive right-handed hackers in contract years do not bring back 2 top prospects. I really hope that this year, like last year, has no real activity, so these crap teams start to realize that the market is not this out of whack going forward. If the trade deadline looks this crazy for the next decade, I really think this game will have lost one of the more exciting aspects of the summer. Because, when blow-hard idiots like Bowden are walking around thinking they are hot shit and about to pull one over on another club, the game is just infuriating.

File this under "Whodda' thunk it?"

In related news, the sky is blue

Unfortunately, that would work just as well with this story

Or this one

100th Game

1) The Sox play their 100th game tonight, currently sporting a flashy 61-38 record after turning last night's nailbiter into a 13-5 romp. So, if they win tonight (and exact some revenge on the A's by taking three at their home), they will be 62-38, which gives them a winning percentage of... a little over 60%. Go to, boys!

2) Of course, if they do lose (because Kyle Synder is pitching), the boys in Red will be 61-39 through their first hundred games giving them a winning percentage of... a little over 60%.

3) I didn't shave today. I didn't shave yesterday, either. I work in a freakin' basement office, I see nobody all day, and even if I did I'm leaving in two weeks. I'm not sure if I'm bragging or if I'm just really lazy.

4) I also would like to point out that the Sox, in order to make the playoffs, need to play no more than 1 game worse than either the White Sox or Yanks, as we are 2 games up in both the wildcard and the division, with the Yanks needing to win their game in hand. Also, the Sox have more home games than either team the rest of the way. And David Wells may not make a rehab start, giving us a real 4th starter. And Wakefield should be back in about 2-3 weeks, giving us a 5th. It's funny, everyone talks about the Yankees injuries, but nobody seems to mention that the Sox have been playing most of the season with their 3rd starter banged up most of the time, but now has joined our 4th, 5th, and 6th starter options on the DL. Sure, they Yanks have had it tough, but so has just about every contender in one way or another.

5) Surprisingly funny treat that I was not expecting to be all that good: I watched the movie Hoodwinked last weekend, and it was surprisingly entertaining. The story is a computer animated movie about the little red riding hood fairytale, or more specifically the police investigation after the fact. The Wolf (Dennis Warburton, aka Puddy from Seinfeld) is particularly funny as his backstory has him being the equivalent of Fletch, and his photographer is a hyperactive squirrel who is hilarious; he is the funniest squirrel since the one in my avatar. Sure, Glenn Close as the Granny kind of sucks, but the movie on the whole was quite amusing. It also recieved the Resident Female Seal of Approval. Between that and The Matador, the RF and I have been seeing eye to eye on some good movies lately.

6) Also, did anybody else hear about Harold Reynolds getting fired from Baseball tonight? Between the lose of him to some unknow firing and Gammons to a brain anuerysm, this means that the show no longer has anyone good on it anymore. I think this means that the only "Watchable" shows left on ESPN are "Pardon the Interuption", which is slowly losing it's mind, and NHL2Night, which I hear is about to be replace by NASCAR2NITE and old stock footage of girls jump roping. When you consider the scumbags that still have jobs at that place because they are able to effectively scream on television, you have to wonder what Harold did.

Of course, ESPN did shitcan Gregg Easterbrook pretty darn quickly, and all he did was suggest that Michael Eisner should remember he was Jewish. So maybe Harold Reynolds took a shot at old Walt Disney's legacy (Disney owns ESPN, by the way). Maybe his comment that "Carl Everett needs to tone down his Mickey Mouse shit" next to the water cooler may have been the straw that broke the camel's back.

Then again, maybe they decided they didn't want a well-spoken and coherent analyst with proper grammar around, as he might accidently bring Stuart Scott back from the darkside. Remember when his name was Stuart and not Stu? And when he could put together functional sentences that resembled the english language? You remember, before he turned every highlight into "Booya! That funky Haterade was as cool as the otherside of the pillow! Aw no he di ant!"? Is it possible that Stuart Scott had the same thing Gammons has now, and nobody noticed?

Bah!

Real work to do today, so no jibber-jabbering for me on this weblog that only three or four people check a week...

Jose Melendez & The Wonkette

Continuing the tradition of interpreting for my favorite (and by that I mean "least favorite") internet columnist, it is time for another installment of "Skip Bayless Means!" Story can be found at this link.

Skip Bayless Says: Before I'm accused of being a communist and told by a torch-carrying mob of e-mailers to move to freakin' Siberia
Skip Bayless Means: And I have time before that happens, because it is very hard to type an email while holding a torch

SB says: I LOVE BASEBALL.
SB means: I ALSO LOVE CAPS LOCK

SB says: I'm addicted to our grand old game
SB means: I'm also addicted to meth

SB says: I all but inject it every night.
SB means: I'm sorry, that should say "I inject it all in my butt every night". Love that Louisville Love Post in my rump.

SB says: Royals, D-Rays, Pirates -- I'll watch anything with pitchers and hitters.
SB means: Or pitchers and catchers. Wink wink.

SB says: Just give me my baseball and I'm one mellow fellow.
SB means: Fletcher forgot to add "my baseball" to yesterday's list

SB says: Only then do I go nuts.
SB means: Before that, I'm all shaft.

SB says: And I've been going nuts more than ever this season.
SB means: Okay, enough with the freakin' gay jokes!

SB says: Why in the name of Abner Doubleday does our national pastime, in 2006, with commissioner Bud Selig repeatedly saying how he needs to protect baseball's "family appeal," still allow the authority figure in the dugout to run onto the field and engage in a nose-to-nose screaming match with the authority figures on the field, the umpires, then finish it off by kicking dirt on the plate or uprooting and throwing the base in question or even returning to the dugout and heaving bats or coolers onto the field in protest -- all without penalties or suspensions?
SB means: Why the run-on sentence? Fuck periods, that's why!

SB says: What kind of message does that send to our kids, Mr. Commissioner?
SB means: A rhetorical one?

SB says: and yes, the tantrums are usually thrown after they get the old heave ho
SB means: "the old heave ho", as I understand it, is some sort of wedgie.

SB says: Umps can't start adding or subtracting balls or strikes or outs.
SB means: That would be pointless, like mocking a sports columnist on the internet.

SB says: Managers and players usually don't get suspended after they make fools of themselves and shame their game.
SB means: Nor do they get suspended for steroid use, tax evasion, or tripling the size of their skull.

SB says: they get standing ovations from the home crowd and appreciative chortles from "SportsCenter" viewers everywhere.
SB means: Even I am not sure what a chortle sounds like, much less numerous chortles in unison.

SB says: You know the age-old answer.
SB means: If you already know it, why are you reading my column?

SB says: That's baseball.
SB means: That's a keyboard, that's a monitor, that's a printer, that's....

SB says: I love baseball, but I'm not stuck in its past.
SB means: Though Michael J. Fox once was, and he would have disappeared if he never got A-Rod and Jeter to make out at the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance.

SB says: I don't watch games to remember the way we were.
SB means: To do that I listen to a certain song that reminds me of the way we were. What was it called again...?

SB says: I don't need to think that baseball is the one thing in this country that hasn't changed since the late 19th century.
SB means: In point of fact, the only thing that hasn't changed since the late 19th century is Florence Henderson's underwear! Oh, that's right. I went there.

SB says: I don't care if players still honor the late-1800s tradition of wearing two pair of socks -- colored stirrups over white sanitaries -- on 100-degree days.
SB means: I have a thing for sweaty feet.

SB says: And every time I actually allow myself to think about the absurdity of managers still wearing uniforms, I laugh out loud.
SB means: Sometimes, I even chortle.

SB says: Can you imagine Bill Belichick pacing the Patriots' sideline in a helmet and shoulder pads?
SB means: It's funny because he's short!

SB says: Phil Jackson sitting on the Lakers' bench in a tank top, shorts and sneakers?
SB means: It's funny because he's tall! Which means his heart has to pump harder to fascilitate his cardiovascular system and likely means he will die an early death!

SB says: For that matter, imagine what would happen if, say, Belichick ran onto the field and started screaming in the face of a referee, then punted the ball into the stands, stormed to the sideline and threw the down markers onto the field?
SB means: Fuck proper grammar!

SB says: Belichick's team might be penalized 60 yards.
SB means: Therefore, I suggest that whenever a manager argues with an umpire, we give him a 60 yard penalty.

SB says: Belichick would get ejected, heavily fined and surely suspended.
SB means: And then he would say, "don't call me Shirley!" because he is a genius, both comedic and footballic.

SB says: such outbursts would never happen during an NFL or NBA game because coaches know they're simply not acceptable.
SB means: Wait, why are NFL and NBA games not acceptable?

SB says: Rhubarbs have forever been a colorful part of a night at the old ballyard.
SB means: Um, you mean those really bitter, celerary things? Oh, yeah, I guess they are kind of reddish. Very colorful.

SB says: Yelling "kill the umpire" is as time-honored as "Casey at the Bat."
SB means: I have never yelled either of these taunts at a game. One is psychotic and the other only works if the batter is named Casey, but even then is fairly obvious.

SB says: Yet, not only do managers yell at umps, umps yell back at managers.
SB means: I stopped loving the caps lock key. Now I love ctrl+i.

SB says: That's a national embarrassment. For me, that's borderline hockey.
SB means: Yeah, I got nothing.

SB says: That smacks of a game with a deep insecurity -- one that fears it's not quite exciting enough to entertain fans without a little extracurricular showmanship.
SB means: Ironically, it was a game of truth or dare when I was 13 that gave me my deep insecurity. I too know the fear fear that it's not quite exciting enough to entertain fans without a little... extracurricular showmanship. I'm... I'm hung like a garden gnome.

SB says: In baseball it's as if managers -- and coaches and players -- are subliminally taught that part of "The Show" is putting on at least one show a night with an umpire.
SB means: That would be like a flapping head on ESPN overreacting to the slighest non-contreversy just to get ratings. I mean, come on, that would be preposterous.

SB says: And these things do sometimes seem a little overacted. Don't you sometimes get the feeling the manager and ump are really hamming it up when they go jaw to jaw? It's right out of "Major League III."
SB means: Apparently, I actually watched Major League III.

SB says: For me, baseball loses some credibility during rhubarbs.
SB means: Seriously, it's a JV vegatable. They should have gone with carrots, or kale, or tomatoes, or something.

SB says: Tell me the game isn't compelling enough without all this nonsense.
SB means: Tell me my job has meaning.

SB says: Don't get me started.
SB means: Yeah, stop hijacking my column with non-sequitors!

SB says: If that makes ball four, the batter should be awarded first base.
SB means: Because that doesn't happen already.

SB says: I'm not trying to be blasphemous just to get a reaction.
SB means: Because we here at ESPN would never do something like that.

SB says: I'm simply asking you to step back and think.
SB means: One of us certainly should.

SB says: You're right: That earned him comparisons with the greatest tantrum throwers, Billy Martin and Lou Piniella.
SB means: Thanks for confirming that for me. This totally makes up for you "getting me started" a few paragraphs back.

SB says: Can you defend Dodgers first base coach Mariano Duncan, who had to be pulled away from the umpires, then flipped his hat at ump Angel Hernandez … who gave it to a fan in the stands.
SB means: How about Clause Von Bulow? Can you defend him? Or what about Hitler? I bet you can't defend Hitler! Oh, and that sentence apparently doesn't need a question mark at the end, because that's how I roll.

SB says: I know: You got a kick out of it. And so did your kids.
SB means: Yeah, forgot you had kids there for a second, didn't ya'? Feeling guilty now, right? Now that I reminded you that you had kids? And that they saw somebody... gasp... hollering at a baseball game! They'll be scarred for life! You'll be lucky if they ever can watch violent TV shows ever again! Or have Social Security when they retire!

Partial list

Edited 9:15 AM

1) Lauren said...
"oh hi fletcher, just wanted to suggest some other positions that you might have forgotten, but surely have done. 1) the donkey punch. it's done during anal sex. before you're about to climax you punch your partner in the back of the head causing the anal muscles to contract resulting in...well you know. 2) the houdini. this can be done during anal or any doggystyle-ish position. right before you climax you spit on your partner's back so they think you're finished, then you once they turn around you come on their face. good times!"

The previous post was by no means a full list. There are many other fabulous sexual techniques that will spice up even the most exotic of sex lives. I personally have always been a fan of the Bucking Bronco, which is where while doing a girl doggy style you grab her hair and tell her that she is a stupid bitch and you fucked her sister. The goal is to hold for as long as possible. Bonus points if you can keep your cowboy hat on.

Other possibilities include:
The Syphon
The Snowball
The Dirty Sanchez
The Hot Carl
The Cleveland Steamer, or its more sanitary cousin The Glass Bottom Boat
The Golden Shower
The Silver Shower
The Bronze Shower
Bukake
The Mustache Rollercoaster
The Frenchman
The Missionary Position
The Flowering Lotus
The Pearl Necklace
The Pearl Contact aka The Pirate Patch
The Hidden Ball Trick
The Pink Glove
The Brown Glove
The Longshoreman
The Pig in a Poke
The Poke in a Pig
The Filibuster, or it's cousin the FiliCruster
The Hitler
The Moussilini
The Idi Amin
The Pol Pot
The Pot Pole
The Rusty Trombone
Pedophilia

You see, the list could go on and on. All of these are great things to try with either somebody you don't care about or somebody you have to pay. However, if the person you are paying looks like a really creepy and ugly version of Charlize Theron, I would suggest thinking twice about it.

2) Just a note for Sox fans. For those that haven't heard, Beckett just signed a 3-year $30mm extension with a club/vesting option for 4 yrs/$40mm (that is a great deal for the Sox for a pitcher with his track record, and a great deal for Beckett in terms of security and purchasing an arbitration year). So, for those worried about the Sox after Schilling retires after the 2007 season, I would like to assuage your worries slightly suggesting that our 2008 rotation may very well be:

1. Beckett
2. Lester
3. Papelbon

In terms of salary, Beckett will be making $9.5mm. Papelbon will be in his 3rd year of service and last year before being arbitration eligible. He'll be making about $500m. Lester will be in his second year of full-time service. He'll be making about $400m. Barring a contract change to any of these guys, this could be one hell of a top of a rotation making $10.4mm, or less than AJ Burnett is making this year. For three pitchers. Oh, and our bullpen will still have Hansen and Del Carmen (plus whoever else makes it up to the bigs in the next two years) still in the cheap pre-arbitration years. I love Theo, I love our farm system, and I love baseball.

The Metric System is a tool of the devil!

My car gets 40 rods to the hog's-head, and that's the way I likes it!

2) Can I just say how freakin' cool it is to have the Sox farm system productive again? I mean, seriously, you have Lester go 8 and Paps finish it off for the shutout. Sure, it's the Royals, but that is still pretty damn impressive. These two guys could be the stud starter-closer combo, or better yet the head of a badass rotation, for the next 6 years before either hits free agency. Stay healthy, boys.

3) To answers Schenny G's question, here are a few sexual moves that have been referenced over the past few months:

The Strawberry Shortcake: while I would prefer not to go into too much detail, the name is derived from the mixture of blood from the woman's nose bleed and her partner's contribution of bodily fluid. Most satisfying when accompanied by a breathing bubble from the nose.

The Tony Danza: Really, this can be any degrading move that is followed up by the degrader asking the degradee over and over again, "Who's the boss?"

The Bismarck: Named after the ruler of the Rhineland, who apparently loved to do this (note: metaphorically to France), this move involves smacking one's member so hard across someone else's face that it leaves a bruise. Bonus points if any distinguishing features can be made out in the texture of the bruise, like a vein or something.

The Flying Camel: Just get you knees under her patoot in midcoitus, making your back into something of a hump, then put you arms out to your sides and start flapping them. This move was pioneered, refined, and brought to the masses by Peyton Manning, who seems to do this to his center before every snap.

The New Orleans: You leave your partner battered and drenched (too soon?).

4) So I watched Monster last night, and the main message I got out of it is that Charlize Theron can be ugly if need be, much like all I learned from Being John Malkovich was that Cameron Diaz could do the same thing (and that Malkovich, when wearing a red dress, has a nice rack). The movie would have been much better if I didn't spend the entire time thinking that Christina Ricci looked exactly like this guy Fred I used to be friends with back in Big Watts.

Snakes on a plane

1) So, randomly, I had a dream about the movie "Snakes on a plane". As I have gleaned from the commercial, my dream and the movie pretty much both delivered what was promised. The only thing that really bugs me about this whole thing is that I feel like I am way too old to be having nightmares. Honestly, what's the point of sleep if it isn't like watching porn for 8 hours?

2) I hate my summer job. Boring and/or tedious. BOOOOOOO! I knew I left my old job for a reason, and this one is about the same quality. I need new skills.

3) Random Mr. Burns line that was running through my head as I was being crushed by the crowded metro: "Oscar Schindler and I were like peas in a pod! We both were factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked, dammnit!"

4) So I watched Raging Bull the other night for the first time in a couple of years, and I think Jake Lomatta was onto something, and I don't mean the whole wife-beating or kissing 14-year-old girls thing. Rather, as he psyched himself up before a match or an onstage performance, he would hop around, throw a few air-punches, then start chanting to himself, "I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm the boss!" Personally, I think this is fantastic and I plan to start incorporating that into my daily life. Think about it. When you know something exciting is about to happen, just psyche yourself up saying this a few times and then attack it with a passion.

Let's say you are about to give a big presentation at work, and are standing outside the door. just start hopping around saying, "I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm the boss!"

What do you start doing before you play your buddy in a game of Madden 2007? "I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm the boss!"

Or what if you need to take a dump, but you get to the bathroom and all the stalls are full? Rather than just going in the sink or in one of the urinals: "I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm the boss!"

Or what if you bring home a skank from a bar, and she goes to the bathroom to put in her birthcontrol? "I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm the boss!"

And the best part is, in that last case, once she leaves you can catch up to her and grab her by the arm and say, "Hey, sugar. Sugar. I never went down. You didn't get me down, Sugar."

In that last one, I feel like there is ample opportunity to work in a "She ain't pretty no more" joke in when talking later with friends, but I don't think that would be appropriate, as doing so suggest that you gave the girl a strawberry shortcake in the middle of the sex, and that is just wrong. I mean, I wouldn't even want to bring something like that up, much less write about it in my weblog ("that" being a strawberry shortcake). Seriously, a giving a girl a strawberry shortcake is not something I want to post on the internet. You will find no mentions of strawberry shortcakes on women here.

5) I suppose that the strategy suggested in post #4 is also what Tony Danza probably does before each day of his talkshow. The chant, I mean. Though he could also do the strawberry shortcake to the makeup girl, for all I know. Of course, this is not to be confused with the sexual move "The Tony Danza", which I'm sure he has been known to do from time to time, at which point the woman inevitably starts cracking up.

6) File

Happy birthday brother!

Happy birthday to the Brother McGuffin. Who would have thought that you would even make it to age 30? We have faith! Congrats bro, and enjoy your 4th decade on earth.

In defense of Manny

Uproar, furor, and Tim McCarver have pissed me off enough that I need to defend Manny. That's right, you self-righteous, pompous assholes, you now have a pissed offed Economist with a blog that is read by no more than 5 or 10 people a week on your ass. Stop saying it is a disgrace that Manny didn't play last night.

First, let's acknowledge that, through hard work and constant practice, Manny very well may be the best right-handed hitter in the last 20 years.

Second, stop questioning his freaking injury. Will Carroll did, because it is real. So, Tim McCarver, the hardest part for Manny is probably not "remembering which leg to limp on", but rather to continue playing through the shitload of pain that his knee is creating. His knee probably isn't in good enough shape to play 19 innings on, but he did it anyway. Just because he didn't do it in the playoffs doesn't make him any less of a warrior than Schilling. Just because he didn't jump into the stands on a routine fly ball and "accidently" polish a fan's knob before returning to the field of play doesn't make him any less of a trooper than Derek Jeter. He is playing through pain. He does that a lot. He only has gone on the DL once since arriving in Boston because he broke a finger. Since 2001, he has only taken off 52 games in the last six years when he wasn't on the DL, about 9 games per year, or about three games every two months. I can live with him getting that much rest, considering how dinged up most players get over the course of a season.

Third, I think this guy has it right. Manny kicks ass. The media sucks and doesn't bother to do research. Not major revelations, but still serve their purpose.

Oh, and McCarver, you are a giant douche.

Modern Day Dictionary

It's time for Fletcher to unleash upon the English language his collection of recent terms and words that he feels need to be incorporated more in daily discourse:

Let's Spay This Puppy!: The new, cooler, hipper version of "let's do it!" Provides enough disregard for mixed company and creates a disgusting enough mental image that it shows how truly focused and enthusiased you are concerning the task at hand. Whether you are preparing for a road trip, taking off your pants for an unexpected coitus, or merely about to take a large dump, this versatile phrase can frame any event in the proper light.

Echo Boomers: Also called the Millenials, the generation of children born to the Baby Boomers (note, this isn't a Fletcher Original, but it still has it's place). Mostly this refers to children born in the 1980-1995 range, as the mid to late 70s babies are often lumped into the end of the "Generation X" group, or sometimes given their own tweener group called "Generation Y". The oldest Echo Boomers are those that are a few years into the work force, and the youngest are approaching high school.

AA Breath: Horrible breath that comes from drinking massive quantities of coffee and smoking several cigarrettes. So named after the group that does nothing but these two activities for large stretches of time during the cathartic process.

Nouveau Poor: The compliment to Nouveau Riche, this is a term to describe the second, third, or fourth generation rich who have seen their fortunes dwindle or erased because of an adherence to a profligate lifestyle. This category is becoming much more popular with the baby-boomer generation, as many of their parents raised their children as members of golf clubs, summer houses, and various other high lifestyles that require large amounts of money to facilitate. Many of these children find that their salaries and their drive in the working world barely support these lifestyle, if at all, and as such means that they have little or no retirement money set aside. Unfortunately, myself and the rest of the Echo Boomers (q.v.) will be supporting the Nouveau Poor with our Social Security checks, as well as paying for their national debt and our burdensome student loans. Basically, the Nouveau Poor are shitting all over the Echo Boomers, as well as their own grandchildren that are still bouncing around in our flesh balloons, by not taking care of their own finances but also by voting to maintain Social Security.

Kidding on the Square: Joking, but not really. A term first pioneered by Al Franken, it has quite a bit of merit. Essentially, whenever you make a joke that is not really a joke, you are kidding on the square.

Homeless Man's: A really crappy version of a Poor Man's description. First pioneered by Bill Simmons, this is also deserves inclusion in the lexicon. For example, if Yuengling Lager is the poor man's Samuel Adams, and Lucky Lager is the poor man's Yuengling Lager, then Lucky Lager is the homeless man's Samuel Adams.

Bourp: A new term to describe the little reflux you sometimes get when you burp too vociferously and you get a mini-throwup.

Esprit d'Escalar: The perfect comeback. Literally French for "spirit of the stairs", this is the comeback or retort that you think of hours after the fact (Oh yeah? Well the Jerk Store just called 'cause they're running out of you!). So named because these perfect retorts seem to come to you while doing seemingly random things like walking up a flight of stairs or anally raping your dog. While I am remiss to add anything French to the English language, (after all, it is wrong to be French) I think this expression has some value. At least until we come up with a better term of our own, besides "Fuck!"

Swipey: The physical action of moving two fingers up or down someone's asscrack to tickle them, since the movement mimics the way one would swipe their credit card. Why I even thought of this, I don't know. However, I may start Beta testing the move on the Resident Female to see if it has the desired effect. Results to follow.

19 Freakin' Innings?

1) The move continues unabated. The bedroom is just about done, the kitchen is just about done (though it needs more space), and all that really remains is finding a place for the bookcase and the excess VHS tapes. Remember VHS? It's that thing that replace Betamax, could hold 6 hours of movies, had to be rewound and doesn't cost $20 per movie.

2) Watched the Best Picture Of The Year, Crash, the other night. Personally, I didn't like it all that much the first time I saw it, when it was about drugs and called "Traffic". Both of those movies, which both happened to win best picture, seem to strike me as nothing more than saying "hey, racism and drugs are bad. But we all are influenced by them, so feel bad when you leave the theater." Both movies were well made, both movies took themselves way too seriously, and both ended up being heavy-handed and occasionally over-the-top charicatures of their designated causes. And, of course, both movies strayed into the other's topic (with Traffic talking about race with that ridiculous monologue by 1970's Topher and Crash having Don Cheadle's mom be wacked out for no apparent reason than to depress us). Personally, I wish I didn't bother with Crash, whose overriding message seemed to be "Predjudice causes misunderstandings" (Gee, that really makes me think). Seriously, I can see why Hollywood loved the movie, because it essentially looked to be powerful and "really tried to make you think", but at the same time had an incredibly safe and pedestrian message that it reinforced by parading a cavalcade of "worst-case scenarios" cliches instead of actually developed characters. I'm all for movies that address a topic and try to make you think beyond the events on screen, but only when the issue actually has sides and opposing perspectives. "Predjudice causes problems" doesn't really inspire debate or deep thought. Personally, I think Matt Stone and Trey Parker should remake this movie and call it "Racism is bad, M'kay".

3) Gotta say, as interesting as the World Cup can be, I'm glad it's over. I watched the last game, but missed the first 20 minutes (and both live-action goals), and I am glad I did see it. But I can't wait until my World Cup, the Rugby World Cup, starts next year. Rugby, now that is a sport I can get into. It's the best elements of soccer (speed, quick passes, constant and non-stop movement off the ball) combined with the best elements of football (explosive action, tackling, advanced strategy, high scoring, kicking). I can't wait for that.

4) 19 inning loss for the Sox, though I stopped caring around the 16th. I will say, though, that it is odd that, on a day where the first 6 innings pitched by TavarEanez are scoreless, the two most reliable relievers (Paps and Timlin) both blow saves. Would have been nice for a sweep, but I'm cool. If you had told me, after the Sox went 1-3 against the Devil Rays, that we would come out of Chicago still holding a 3 game lead on the Yanks and would win the series in Chicago, I would have taken it. So, disappointment at a game that got away aside, I'm still pretty happy with the first half. Also, it's nice that all the pitchers (save Pappy) will get a nice 3-day break.

5) As to Seanez, who gave up the winning run to the Bleached Sox, I am still pretty impressed by his outing. We couldn't really expect any more out of him. Seriously, when was the last time that he went three innings in a game? He is a 1-inning reliever, probably is still a better option than Jason Johnson at that point, and there was nothing left in the bullpen. It sucks that he gave up the run, but he actually pitched quite well considering the circumstances. Eh.

6) By the way, is there a more infuriating team than the White Sox? First off, Ozzie Guillen is an ass who looks like the guy that stole my hubcabs (hold on, don't get angry. My theory is that if he says offensive and insensitive stuff about others, I get to say that stuff about him. Plus, I'm still rebelling against Crash). AJ Pierzynski looks, talks, and acts like a massive douche. And my old friend, Hawk Harrelson, who the Red Sox were smart enough to promptly fire from any and all dealing with in the broadcast booth, sucks a massive donkey cock. I've heard more objective and intelligent analysis from drunken Yankees fans in the midst of a roid-induced rage as they beat their wife at a bar while watching the Yanks get throttled by the Red Sox. I can't stand the man, and I am so pleased that the only remaining Sox-Sox games are at the Fens, so I won't have to listen to that jackass on MLB Gameday. Different strike zones for the two teams? Are you kidding me? Fire that redneck.

7) Speaking of rednecks, what the hell is this? I mean, I'm all for freedom of expression, but do these people seriously have as much say in the political process as the rest of us? It is one thing to come from somewhere country, and people have every right to live their lives the way they want to, but do we really have to have large portions of our country revel blissfully that they are part of a culture that prides itself on being unintelligent, unkempt, and unsophisticated with an undercurrent of racism? And why is Larry the Cable guy the standard bearer for this movement when the jackass has spent pretty much the last three decades living in Orlando, Florida? I mean, this whole "redneck" and "blue collar" bullshit really gets on my nerves. It's one thing to be a braindead, redneck hick. It's another thing for it to be the envy of our culture. I mean, since when has "education", "talent", and "hard-work" been a bad thing? My god! You went to a good college in the Northeast? You liberal, commie, pinko, academic! Me and my toothless, mulletted, inbred yahoos have no use for you! Because it's not like education, hard-work, and ingenuity had anything to do with making this country great! Or immigration! Close the borders! Go Minutemen!

Ripping off Ian Browne

And he's funny too - From this story:
After yet another monster night, David Ortiz, fresh out of the shower, looked to the chair next to him and saw a stack of $20 bills.

"Is that my money?" Ortiz, a little confused, asked multiple times.

Coco Crisp finally came over and solved the mystery, grabbing the stack of bills and putting them in his wallet. Ortiz then busted out laughing and told reporters, "You know how I knew that wasn't my money?"

He then opened a container filled with $100 bills and bellowed out, "This is how I roll!"