Wednesday, July 19, 2006

The Metric System is a tool of the devil!

My car gets 40 rods to the hog's-head, and that's the way I likes it!

2) Can I just say how freakin' cool it is to have the Sox farm system productive again? I mean, seriously, you have Lester go 8 and Paps finish it off for the shutout. Sure, it's the Royals, but that is still pretty damn impressive. These two guys could be the stud starter-closer combo, or better yet the head of a badass rotation, for the next 6 years before either hits free agency. Stay healthy, boys.

3) To answers Schenny G's question, here are a few sexual moves that have been referenced over the past few months:

The Strawberry Shortcake: while I would prefer not to go into too much detail, the name is derived from the mixture of blood from the woman's nose bleed and her partner's contribution of bodily fluid. Most satisfying when accompanied by a breathing bubble from the nose.

The Tony Danza: Really, this can be any degrading move that is followed up by the degrader asking the degradee over and over again, "Who's the boss?"

The Bismarck: Named after the ruler of the Rhineland, who apparently loved to do this (note: metaphorically to France), this move involves smacking one's member so hard across someone else's face that it leaves a bruise. Bonus points if any distinguishing features can be made out in the texture of the bruise, like a vein or something.

The Flying Camel: Just get you knees under her patoot in midcoitus, making your back into something of a hump, then put you arms out to your sides and start flapping them. This move was pioneered, refined, and brought to the masses by Peyton Manning, who seems to do this to his center before every snap.

The New Orleans: You leave your partner battered and drenched (too soon?).

4) So I watched Monster last night, and the main message I got out of it is that Charlize Theron can be ugly if need be, much like all I learned from Being John Malkovich was that Cameron Diaz could do the same thing (and that Malkovich, when wearing a red dress, has a nice rack). The movie would have been much better if I didn't spend the entire time thinking that Christina Ricci looked exactly like this guy Fred I used to be friends with back in Big Watts.


At 5:23 PM, July 19, 2006, Anonymous Lauren said...

oh hi fletcher,
just wanted to suggest some other positions that you might have forgotten, but surely have done.

1) the donkey punch. it's done during anal sex.
before you're about to climax you punch your partner in the back of the head causing the anal muscles to contract resulting in...well you know.

2) the houdini. this can be done during anal or any doggystyle-ish position. right before you climax you spit on your partner's back so they think you're finished, then you once they turn around you come on their face.
good times!


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