Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Snakes on a plane

1) So, randomly, I had a dream about the movie "Snakes on a plane". As I have gleaned from the commercial, my dream and the movie pretty much both delivered what was promised. The only thing that really bugs me about this whole thing is that I feel like I am way too old to be having nightmares. Honestly, what's the point of sleep if it isn't like watching porn for 8 hours?

2) I hate my summer job. Boring and/or tedious. BOOOOOOO! I knew I left my old job for a reason, and this one is about the same quality. I need new skills.

3) Random Mr. Burns line that was running through my head as I was being crushed by the crowded metro: "Oscar Schindler and I were like peas in a pod! We both were factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked, dammnit!"

4) So I watched Raging Bull the other night for the first time in a couple of years, and I think Jake Lomatta was onto something, and I don't mean the whole wife-beating or kissing 14-year-old girls thing. Rather, as he psyched himself up before a match or an onstage performance, he would hop around, throw a few air-punches, then start chanting to himself, "I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm the boss!" Personally, I think this is fantastic and I plan to start incorporating that into my daily life. Think about it. When you know something exciting is about to happen, just psyche yourself up saying this a few times and then attack it with a passion.

Let's say you are about to give a big presentation at work, and are standing outside the door. just start hopping around saying, "I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm the boss!"

What do you start doing before you play your buddy in a game of Madden 2007? "I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm the boss!"

Or what if you need to take a dump, but you get to the bathroom and all the stalls are full? Rather than just going in the sink or in one of the urinals: "I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm the boss!"

Or what if you bring home a skank from a bar, and she goes to the bathroom to put in her birthcontrol? "I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm the boss! I'm the boss!"

And the best part is, in that last case, once she leaves you can catch up to her and grab her by the arm and say, "Hey, sugar. Sugar. I never went down. You didn't get me down, Sugar."

In that last one, I feel like there is ample opportunity to work in a "She ain't pretty no more" joke in when talking later with friends, but I don't think that would be appropriate, as doing so suggest that you gave the girl a strawberry shortcake in the middle of the sex, and that is just wrong. I mean, I wouldn't even want to bring something like that up, much less write about it in my weblog ("that" being a strawberry shortcake). Seriously, a giving a girl a strawberry shortcake is not something I want to post on the internet. You will find no mentions of strawberry shortcakes on women here.

5) I suppose that the strategy suggested in post #4 is also what Tony Danza probably does before each day of his talkshow. The chant, I mean. Though he could also do the strawberry shortcake to the makeup girl, for all I know. Of course, this is not to be confused with the sexual move "The Tony Danza", which I'm sure he has been known to do from time to time, at which point the woman inevitably starts cracking up.

6) File


At 12:41 PM, July 18, 2006, Anonymous Dorf said...

What are a Straqberry Shortcake and the Tony Danze Move?


Post a Comment

<< Home