Friday, July 21, 2006

Jose Melendez & The Wonkette

Continuing the tradition of interpreting for my favorite (and by that I mean "least favorite") internet columnist, it is time for another installment of "Skip Bayless Means!" Story can be found at this link.

Skip Bayless Says: Before I'm accused of being a communist and told by a torch-carrying mob of e-mailers to move to freakin' Siberia
Skip Bayless Means: And I have time before that happens, because it is very hard to type an email while holding a torch


SB says: I'm addicted to our grand old game
SB means: I'm also addicted to meth

SB says: I all but inject it every night.
SB means: I'm sorry, that should say "I inject it all in my butt every night". Love that Louisville Love Post in my rump.

SB says: Royals, D-Rays, Pirates -- I'll watch anything with pitchers and hitters.
SB means: Or pitchers and catchers. Wink wink.

SB says: Just give me my baseball and I'm one mellow fellow.
SB means: Fletcher forgot to add "my baseball" to yesterday's list

SB says: Only then do I go nuts.
SB means: Before that, I'm all shaft.

SB says: And I've been going nuts more than ever this season.
SB means: Okay, enough with the freakin' gay jokes!

SB says: Why in the name of Abner Doubleday does our national pastime, in 2006, with commissioner Bud Selig repeatedly saying how he needs to protect baseball's "family appeal," still allow the authority figure in the dugout to run onto the field and engage in a nose-to-nose screaming match with the authority figures on the field, the umpires, then finish it off by kicking dirt on the plate or uprooting and throwing the base in question or even returning to the dugout and heaving bats or coolers onto the field in protest -- all without penalties or suspensions?
SB means: Why the run-on sentence? Fuck periods, that's why!

SB says: What kind of message does that send to our kids, Mr. Commissioner?
SB means: A rhetorical one?

SB says: and yes, the tantrums are usually thrown after they get the old heave ho
SB means: "the old heave ho", as I understand it, is some sort of wedgie.

SB says: Umps can't start adding or subtracting balls or strikes or outs.
SB means: That would be pointless, like mocking a sports columnist on the internet.

SB says: Managers and players usually don't get suspended after they make fools of themselves and shame their game.
SB means: Nor do they get suspended for steroid use, tax evasion, or tripling the size of their skull.

SB says: they get standing ovations from the home crowd and appreciative chortles from "SportsCenter" viewers everywhere.
SB means: Even I am not sure what a chortle sounds like, much less numerous chortles in unison.

SB says: You know the age-old answer.
SB means: If you already know it, why are you reading my column?

SB says: That's baseball.
SB means: That's a keyboard, that's a monitor, that's a printer, that's....

SB says: I love baseball, but I'm not stuck in its past.
SB means: Though Michael J. Fox once was, and he would have disappeared if he never got A-Rod and Jeter to make out at the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance.

SB says: I don't watch games to remember the way we were.
SB means: To do that I listen to a certain song that reminds me of the way we were. What was it called again...?

SB says: I don't need to think that baseball is the one thing in this country that hasn't changed since the late 19th century.
SB means: In point of fact, the only thing that hasn't changed since the late 19th century is Florence Henderson's underwear! Oh, that's right. I went there.

SB says: I don't care if players still honor the late-1800s tradition of wearing two pair of socks -- colored stirrups over white sanitaries -- on 100-degree days.
SB means: I have a thing for sweaty feet.

SB says: And every time I actually allow myself to think about the absurdity of managers still wearing uniforms, I laugh out loud.
SB means: Sometimes, I even chortle.

SB says: Can you imagine Bill Belichick pacing the Patriots' sideline in a helmet and shoulder pads?
SB means: It's funny because he's short!

SB says: Phil Jackson sitting on the Lakers' bench in a tank top, shorts and sneakers?
SB means: It's funny because he's tall! Which means his heart has to pump harder to fascilitate his cardiovascular system and likely means he will die an early death!

SB says: For that matter, imagine what would happen if, say, Belichick ran onto the field and started screaming in the face of a referee, then punted the ball into the stands, stormed to the sideline and threw the down markers onto the field?
SB means: Fuck proper grammar!

SB says: Belichick's team might be penalized 60 yards.
SB means: Therefore, I suggest that whenever a manager argues with an umpire, we give him a 60 yard penalty.

SB says: Belichick would get ejected, heavily fined and surely suspended.
SB means: And then he would say, "don't call me Shirley!" because he is a genius, both comedic and footballic.

SB says: such outbursts would never happen during an NFL or NBA game because coaches know they're simply not acceptable.
SB means: Wait, why are NFL and NBA games not acceptable?

SB says: Rhubarbs have forever been a colorful part of a night at the old ballyard.
SB means: Um, you mean those really bitter, celerary things? Oh, yeah, I guess they are kind of reddish. Very colorful.

SB says: Yelling "kill the umpire" is as time-honored as "Casey at the Bat."
SB means: I have never yelled either of these taunts at a game. One is psychotic and the other only works if the batter is named Casey, but even then is fairly obvious.

SB says: Yet, not only do managers yell at umps, umps yell back at managers.
SB means: I stopped loving the caps lock key. Now I love ctrl+i.

SB says: That's a national embarrassment. For me, that's borderline hockey.
SB means: Yeah, I got nothing.

SB says: That smacks of a game with a deep insecurity -- one that fears it's not quite exciting enough to entertain fans without a little extracurricular showmanship.
SB means: Ironically, it was a game of truth or dare when I was 13 that gave me my deep insecurity. I too know the fear fear that it's not quite exciting enough to entertain fans without a little... extracurricular showmanship. I'm... I'm hung like a garden gnome.

SB says: In baseball it's as if managers -- and coaches and players -- are subliminally taught that part of "The Show" is putting on at least one show a night with an umpire.
SB means: That would be like a flapping head on ESPN overreacting to the slighest non-contreversy just to get ratings. I mean, come on, that would be preposterous.

SB says: And these things do sometimes seem a little overacted. Don't you sometimes get the feeling the manager and ump are really hamming it up when they go jaw to jaw? It's right out of "Major League III."
SB means: Apparently, I actually watched Major League III.

SB says: For me, baseball loses some credibility during rhubarbs.
SB means: Seriously, it's a JV vegatable. They should have gone with carrots, or kale, or tomatoes, or something.

SB says: Tell me the game isn't compelling enough without all this nonsense.
SB means: Tell me my job has meaning.

SB says: Don't get me started.
SB means: Yeah, stop hijacking my column with non-sequitors!

SB says: If that makes ball four, the batter should be awarded first base.
SB means: Because that doesn't happen already.

SB says: I'm not trying to be blasphemous just to get a reaction.
SB means: Because we here at ESPN would never do something like that.

SB says: I'm simply asking you to step back and think.
SB means: One of us certainly should.

SB says: You're right: That earned him comparisons with the greatest tantrum throwers, Billy Martin and Lou Piniella.
SB means: Thanks for confirming that for me. This totally makes up for you "getting me started" a few paragraphs back.

SB says: Can you defend Dodgers first base coach Mariano Duncan, who had to be pulled away from the umpires, then flipped his hat at ump Angel Hernandez … who gave it to a fan in the stands.
SB means: How about Clause Von Bulow? Can you defend him? Or what about Hitler? I bet you can't defend Hitler! Oh, and that sentence apparently doesn't need a question mark at the end, because that's how I roll.

SB says: I know: You got a kick out of it. And so did your kids.
SB means: Yeah, forgot you had kids there for a second, didn't ya'? Feeling guilty now, right? Now that I reminded you that you had kids? And that they saw somebody... gasp... hollering at a baseball game! They'll be scarred for life! You'll be lucky if they ever can watch violent TV shows ever again! Or have Social Security when they retire!


Post a Comment

<< Home