Thursday, September 08, 2005

Responding to a veritable explosion of Simpsons quotations

1) From the "My god, it's like my nightmare has turned into reality" department: While walking to the Metro this morning, the Resident Female and I were nearly run down by a pudgy guy with a pony tail in a Hawaiian shirt that looked suspiciously like Richard Dreyfus who was pushing a stroller with a baby that was a dead ringer for Gene Simmons. I wish I were kidding. My heart is still pounding.

2) From the "My god, my first impressions are so off that it's a wonder I've never drank Pinesol" department: I was pretty sure I saw a cop putting a parking ticket it on his own window, but it turned out he was just cleaning his wipers.

3) From the "I'm sure there is a reasonable explanation for this, but it sure makes the last point a little less stupid" department: Half a block before seeing the cop, I noticed that a car parked legally and before the metering had started for the day had a ticket on the windshield, but the car illegally parked behind it in front of a fire hydrant didn't have a ticket.

4) From the "He quite blinking, he says that's when they get ya'" department: I warned ya! Didn't I warn ya? That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!

And from the "My car gets 40 rods to the hogshead, and that's the way I likes it!" department: Marge, dont discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. Its what separates us from the animals...except the weasel.

Not doing it for you? Alright, fine, how about from the "loquacity is the opiate of the voracious grammarians" department: Forbearance is the watchword. That triumvirate of Twinkies merely overwhelmed my resolve. Now there's a Machiavellian countenance… ooh, a sextet of ale.

5) From the "Man, this gag is running thin, so I'll give you an amusing anecdote from high school to make up for it" department: In freshman biology, during the first week of school, I killed a fly in a rather spectacular fashion. The thing had been buzzing around the teacher for a while, then finally landed on my open textbook. The teacher said, "don't move" and grabbed his ruler from his desk in preparation to kill it. However, before he could, I slammed the book shut as his back was turned, creating a ridiculously loud noise and smushing said fly. The teacher and the class were so startled by the noise that everyone jumped and the teacher even dropped his implement of fly destruction. So proud was I of my kill that I proceeded to draw a circle around it's carcass, as well as several arrows pointing to it, effectively making the two pages incomprehensible and lavishly decorated.

About a week later, a southern girl, let's call her Sasha, joined the class, having missed this incident. Now fast forward to exam review time. Sasha, as was her custom, had forgotten her textbook, and was looking in on my book. We get to the material on the page with the dead fly. I flip to it, and there is the dead fly, still smushed inside the circle with the arrows pointing to it. With the class dead silent, Sasha ejaculates, "Oh my God! That's amazing! How'd you kill that fly right in the middle of that circle?"

6) From the "Okay, before I stop with this stupid format I've got one last thing to say" department: GO PATS!!! Opening night, game starts at 9. The Pats' quest for three straight begins in 12 hours.


At 10:00 AM, September 08, 2005, Anonymous Dorf said...

Well, since I'm sure I'm not the only one disappointed with the lack of Simpsons references in this post:

Hank Scorpio: Uh, hi, Homer. What can I do for you?
Homer: Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks.
Hank: Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut, that's on third.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Hank: There's Hammocks-R-Us, that's on third too. You got Put-Your-Butt-There?
Homer: Mm-Hmm.
Hank: That's on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot... Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex; it's the hammock complex on third.
Homer: Oh, the hammock district.
Hank: That's right.

At 10:36 AM, September 08, 2005, Blogger Fletcher Austin McGuffin said...

I think you loaded the page before I put all the points up. I ran into a bit of internet trouble, so the various posts came up in piecemeal.

At 11:48 AM, September 08, 2005, Blogger Lindsey said...

"mmmmm, 64 slices of American cheese."
"I don't know where you magic pixies came from, but I like your pixie drink!"
"See, I've got this friend named Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo."
Mindy: "Desserts aren't always right." Homer: "But they're so sweet."
"Who needs the Kwiki-Mart? I dooooo."
"The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother. I call him Gamblor."
"I didn't do it."
"Then we'd all watch football, which in those days was called baseball."
"Hello, Dean. You're a stupidhead!"
"They don't call me Springfield Fats just because I'm morbidly obese."
"Or what? You'll release the dogs. Or bees. Or dogs with bees in their mouths, and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?"
"There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman."
"More testicles mean more iron."
"Be careful, they're ruffled!"
"Say 'chowdah.'"
"No groaning in my store."


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