My High School Graduation Speech

The Resident Female and I are off to do fabulous things, so I thought I would post the speech I gave at my high school graduation:

Hello fellow students, faculty, families, and friends. Webster’s dictionary defines "Clichéd" as "any speech that starts with a definition from this dictionary." When I read that, I take that to heart. It makes life seem like a never-ending road of choices. Choices that we will have to make. Symbolic choices, like that one that I made the other day. You see, two roads diverged in a yellow wood. And I, I took the one less traveled by. Do you know why I did that? Any of you? Because it was symbolic of the future we all have. For there will be choices like this in the future for each and every one of us. And I know that many of you out in the audience have made this decision before. You took the one less traveled. And it is important for all of us to remember: Jenny Miller lives up that road. You need to get off main and drive up Pottersville to get to her house. She is having the graduation party tonight, so we all need to go there. The party is there because her parents are, like in a bad teen movie, conveniently out of town for her graduation. I know that for a fact. I was there last night, if you catch my drift, heh, heh, heh, heh. You know what I mean, right. We had a little nudge nudge, wink wink. Yeah, that’s right. And it was good. She told me it was the best 30 seconds of her life.

But I digress. I know many of you have been in that situation before. I know many of you have decided to get off that busy main street and on the less traveled and windy road to Jenny’s house. And I say this to all of you so that you know this: it is not as un-traveled as all of you think. And as you go out into the world, I want you to think about this: the Westport Apothecary does sell that shampoo for getting rid of crabs. It’s in the third aisle. I suggest picking up a bottle before you embark on you life’s voyage if you plan on having any fun, especially if you have gone up Jenny’s less-traveled road.

I know many of you plan to go to college. And I also know that many of you will drop out after one year. And yet some others will just never go. I know that when I come back for my summers, having spent large majority of my time drinking, you will still be here, married and working a menial job because you knocked some slut up. And I say this from the deepest corner of my heart: You deserve it.

For the past twelve years, since I moved here in first grade, you have all made my life a living hell. And God was watching. So enjoy your pathetic little lives, and I will go to college, get a great job, make lots of money, and buy a wife who is more attractive than any of you could ever dream of. Suckers. None of y’all be getting’ my props. I'm outtie.