Thursday, September 08, 2005

Bonus Post!

In an ongoing effort to complete my community service requirement from the... Incident... I've decided to offer up my services as a translator and empath. Here is a link to a story by Skip Bayless, ESPN's answer to the EEO policy that mental deficiency is not grounds for discrimination, from which I will clarify the somewhat confusing sentences that he spewed out. Special thanks to Jose Melendez at Wallball Single for the idea (he does Tony Castrati). Without further ado:

Skip Bayless says: Tonight, they will scare all those who dare to doubt their chances of winning a third straight Super Bowl.
Skip Bayless means: An inside source told me they will all come out wearing hockey masks instead of football helmets

SB says: This time, the Rolling Stones will provide the sound track.
SB means: Which is unfortunate, because I always preferred Bread.

SB says: Coach Bill Belichick will do what he has always done best -- figure out some hard-to-figure way to disarm the opponent's most dangerous weapon.
SB means: No Raider will re-enact that scene from The Last Boyscout on his watch!

SB says: In his Oakland Raiders debut, Randy Moss will experience a long, frustrating, leave-the-field-early kind of night.
SB means: There won't be any single chicks playing for the Patriots

SB says: The Raiders' potentially explosive offense will look 49ers-like, making you say, "Belichick's system is so good that he could have replaced Bruschi and Johnson with Mick Jagger and Keith Richards and kept Moss out of the end zone."
SB means: Because, you know, linebackers don't usually cover wide receivers, so even if they are old and high and don't do their job, Moss still won't get into the end zone because of the Patriots secondary.

SB says: And for three-plus hours, all the Doubting Tom Bradys like me will watch Brady pick apart the Raiders' defense
SB means: I forgot what my name is, but I doubt it is Tom Brady.

SB says: and we'll say, "What was I thinking to pick against these guys?"
SB means: Don't answer that! It's rhetorical!

SB says: I've spent a month trying to argue myself out of the Patriots.
SB means: But I'm a whore, and if they want me, well, I'm all theirs.

SB says: At times, straddling the fence has been nearly as uncomfortable as accidentally slipping forward off my bike seat as a kid.
SB means: I did this a lot. It helped pass the time until I could find more tasty paint chips.

SB says: I definitely felt a little queasy the night of the Patriots' all-important third preseason game, at Green Bay.
SB means: This is the last time I eat fuzzy, week-old pizza that I find under the couch.

SB says: Maybe I should forget about trying to talk myself into the Colts,
SB means: But I've already admitted I'm a whore, so they can have me, too.

SB says: The man can make himself invisible in pass coverage,
SB means: I read somewhere that he was on that spaceship with the Fantastic 4 when it was hit with cosmic radiation, and like Sue Storm, he too gained the ability to become transparent.

SB says: his nose for the ball is right there with Ed Reed's.
SB means: Why these two players are both sticking their faces into the same ball is beyond me.

SB says: No, Bruschi is one cog that cannot be replaced with some Monty Beisel.
SB means: It will take ALL of Monty Beisel, so it is important that he not lose any limbs.

SB says: That point was emphasized to the 42nd power Saturday night in Notre Dame's 42-21 dismantling of Pitt in Pittsburgh.
SB means: If I put math in my column, it makes me sound more important.

SB says: Suddenly, a failure of a quarterback named Brady Quinn looked like he deserved a Tom in front of his name.
SB means: And while we're at it, let's throw "the Eskimo" at the end. And maybe a "Logan" before the "Tom". Wee, this is fun!

SB says: Without Weis, Tom Brady will occasionally look a little more like the sixth-round choice he once was.
SB means: Apparently, over the last few years, Weis used to call the plays and do Brady's make-up.

SB says: Which brings me to the only reason powerful enough to keep me from picking the Patriots again.
Just because.
SB means: My editors wanted me to write a column, so I had to write something. So what if I don't really know what I'm talking about.

SB says: Jerry Jones said: "There's a reason no one has ever won three of these in a row."
SB means: He also had a face lift, and now his skin is all oogy.

SB says: You can't make much more than a whistling-through-the-graveyard case for anyone else.
SB means: I have no respect for the dead.

SB says: where Belichick's defense turned Peyton into Eli in a playoff stunner.
SB means: That's supposed to say "an Eli", because we all know that Yale Football stinks.

SB says: Brees will be the NFL's Most Disappointing Player.
SB means: Either I still haven't mastered capitalization, or the league has started giving out gag awards.

SB says: The Steelers will again be hellaciously good on defense, but Ben Roethlisberger will no longer shock defenses with his ability to scramble.
SB means: Instead, he'll shock them with his heavenly singing voice.

SB says: If I had any guts, I'd pick the Bengals to win the AFC.
SB means: But, as you can see from my picture, I was actually mummified and all my internal organs are secured in several canopic jars as an offering to Anubis.

SB says: Rudi Johnson isn't Corey Dillon,
SB means: Or Chef Boyardee, for that matter. Which is too bad, when you think about it, because if he ever got injured he could just fall back onto his successful line of canned goods to earn his living.

SB says: Marvin Lewis is another head coach who can flat-out coach defense.
SB means: Ever notice how the ones that coach the round-in style of defense tend to get fired?

SB says: The schedule is user-friendly enough
SB means: See! You just look at it and tells you when they are playing what teams and where! What a great invention!

SB says: But I don't have enough conviction to predict that.
SB means: So I just wasted 5 minutes of your life arguing for something that I don't actually believe in. Paid by the word, bitch!

SB says: Terrell Owens has reeled back in his teammates
SB means: I like fishing.

SB says: How some analysts are making a case for the Vikings is beyond me.
SB means: Then again, so is long division.

SB says: Given their preseason hype, the Vikings will be the NFL's Most Disappointing Team.
SB means: If they are giving the award to a player, they might as well give one to a team as well.

SB says: Michael Vick the running back ultimately won't be able to offset Michael Vick the quarterback.
SB mean: If Vick plays two positions, that means there will be only 10 men on the field, which puts the Falcons at a disadvantage.

SB says: Carolina will win the NFC by default.
SB means: I predict the other 5 playoff teams will all forfeit their games.

SB says: Then again, Jake Delhomme has a little Jake Plummer in him,
SB means: Jake Delhomme catches and Jake Plummer is hung like an elf.

SB says: Indianapolis. There. I talked myself into it.
SB means: I told you I was a whore. Bring it on, boys!

SB says: In Indianapolis, the Patriots will fall.
SB means: Which will be a delightful change of pace from the usual rain or snow.

SB says: Peyton Manning will be a deserving Super Bowl winner, Bayless wrote with trepidation.
SB means: If I hit ctrl+i, I can make the letters all slanty!

3 Comments:

At 11:28 AM, September 09, 2005, Blogger Lindsey said...

brilliant

 
At 7:00 PM, September 10, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Funniest thing I've read all day.

 
At 11:14 AM, October 07, 2005, Anonymous jose melendez said...

Actually, Jose ripped this off from Wonkette

 

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