Random Open Letter for No Apparent Reason

Dear Johnny Damon,
I had your wife in the Champagne Room.

All the best,
About 900 Dudes

Just for the record:

Would the media stop pretending that the Pats did something hideous, ungodly, and terrible? They got caught, they got fined, it doesn't taint their accomplishments, and get off the damn soapbox. Let's have Cowher and Jimmy Johnson talk about it:

Bill Cowher:
“The two AFC Championship games that we lost to the New England Patriots, I don’t believe this had any factor in it,” Cowher said during the pregame show. “I have too much respect for Tom Brady, for [Corey ] Dillon, for [Deion] Branch and also for Coach Belichick. I think he’s still a good coach.”

“From a coach’s perspective, trying to steal signals is part of the game. We understand that as a coach. You see walkie-talkies, tape recorders, but when you take the camera on the field, that’s just arrogance,” he said. “I think the penalty was stiff by the commissioner. I think it will be a good deterrent.”

Jimmy Johnson:
“This is exactly how I was told to do it 18 years ago by a Kansas City Chiefs scout. I tried it, but I didn’t think it helped us.”

“every team has got a file on the other team. I used to send an intern up to the opposing coach’s box after the game and go through the trash. Because after the game, what do they do? They take their game plan and their scouting reports and throw them away. My intern would get all of that stuff and put it right in the file.”

“But what irritates me is hearing some reactions from players and coaches. These players don’t know what their coaches are doing. And some of the coaches have selective amnesia because I know for a fact there were various teams doing this. That’s why the memo was sent to everybody. That doesn’t make him [Belichick] right, but a lot of teams are doing this.”

Son of a...

Worst game in history. Ugh.

There should be a time-limit on games. Once they hit the 4-hour mark, the game should just end. There is no reason that a 9-inning game should leave me at the bar until 12. Particularly when your team loses. Worst game ever.

That Magic Time Of Year (Edited)

With my Sox commentary pretty low this season, and the Sox-Yanks series going a long way towards defining the last 2 weeks of the season, it's time to examine the various magic numbers that will determine the Sox position in the playoffs. Keep in mind that the Sox have 15 games left at the time of this writing.

A magic number represents the combination of Sox wins and opponents losses that ensures a better seeding.

Making the Playoffs
Magic Number: 7 (currently held over Detroit)
For the Sox to make the playoffs, they must at least clinch the wild card. This means that the play of the Angels, Indians, and Yankees is somewhat irrelevant to the Sox playoff chances. As such, the only teams that could knock the Sox out of the playoffs are the Tigers, Mariners, and Blue Jays. That said, even if one of those teams goes undefeated the rest of the way, the Sox can make the post-season by going 7-8 down the stretch. The following record ensure the Sox make the playoffs:
Eliminates Toronto: 1-14
Eliminates Seattle: 6-9
Eliminates Detroit: 7-8

Winning the Division
Magic Number: 11 (currently held over the Yankees)
Obviously, a lot depends on this weekend. If the Sox sweep this weekend, the magic number will be 4, based on their winning the season series against the Yanks (thus, if they finish the season with the same record, the Sox get the division crown, essentially eliminating need for an additional win). So, if the sox win their next 7 games, they will clinch. For the Sox to eliminate the division no matter how the Yanks play after Sunday:
If Sox sweep the Yanks: 4-8 (7-8 total)
If Sox take 2: 7-5* or 6-6* (9-6 or 8-7 total)
If Sox take 1: 9-3 (10-5 total)
Sox swept: 11-1 (11-4 total)

*Please note, if the Sox are able to win 2 of the 6 games against Toronto and Tampa, they need only go 6-6 after the Yankees series, as they will have a better winning percentage than the Yanks in the AL East, giving them the division crown. Again, this assumes the Yanks win all 13 remaining games against the rest of the AL East.

Home Field Throughout the Playoffs
Magic Number: 13 (over Angels)
The Sox would have to go 13-2 to ensure HFA if the Angels won out, as the Sox 6-4 record against the Angels provides them the tie-breaker if records end up being equal.

Summing it up
The Sox need only play .500 baseball from here on out to make the playoffs even if other teams run the table. Obviously, this is unlikely to happen. As to the AL East, the Sox are still in pretty good shape as long as they avoid the sweep and the Yanks drop a few games final weeks.

For example, if the Sox take 1 from the Yanks and the Yanks go 10-3 after they leave Boston (which is still a pretty blistering pace considering their pitching) , the Sox can still go 6-6 to win the division.

The one thing that would really hurt the Sox is getting swept. If the Sox are swept, the Yanks go 10-3, then the Sox need to go 8-4 to take the division. Still very doable, but not a sure thing by any means.

2 or 3 wins this weekend means the Yanks basically need to win out their remaining games to get the division. If they finished 10-3, the Sox would clinch going 3-9 (or 1-11 if they sweep the Yanks).

Bird Scat Fever

As has been chronicled here before, I get shit on a lot. More specifically, birds apparently view me as their personal toilet. So, without much surprise, my second "I can't believe a bird shat on me" of the year occured just a few short minutes ago, and it was a keeper. Man, was it a keeper.

Initially believing that I was going to get a small bruise, possibly even a welt, on my back from a fallen acorn, I asked the Resident Female if I had, in fact, been hit by what I was hoping might have been a small branch. Alas, it was not. Some bird, who apparently eats a lot of beef, decided that it needed to migrate south for the winter and unloaded all remnants of his internal organs in one go, hoping that being hollow might make the journey south marginally easier. As the mass of bird dung circled through the air, clinging itself into a tighter and tighter ball, the Resident Female and I managed to walk underneath the descending shitball and place my shoulder underneath the scat. With a mighty sound, it connected. That turned out to be the end of our walk. Fortunately, the bird waited a split second to unleash the contents of its insides, as a direct hit to the top of my head very well might have caused a concussion.

Okay, all hyperbole aside, I hate fucking birds. Most people remember every time they have been shat on by a bird because it has only happened to them once or twice. Not me. I've been shat on so many times that I've lost count. I seem to be averaging about 2 a year since I moved to DC in '03, and I am probably in the 14-16 range for my life. Off the top of my head, here are some of the more memorable ones:

Disney World ("the happiest place on earth" my ass)
My first date, by a seagull (that's a big turn on)
On the way to a job interview
On the way to congressional testimony (note: not me testifying)
Twice in one day in 04 (morning and evening shots)
Walking with the Resident Female in Georgetown, with her getting some splatter
In the 1st mile of a road race, on the cheek.

Really.

I hate birds.