Damn Skippy!

It's time for another installment of Skip Bayless Says, this time in an article about Barry Bonds:

Skip Bayless Says: He continues to astonish, with his bat and his mouth.
Skip Bayless Means: At least that is what Kimberly Bell has been telling me.

SB says: Barry Bonds is again proving to be the greatest hitter and biggest jerk in baseball history.
SB means: I fantasize about him while I masturbate.

SB says: Feel free to substitute less printable terms for jerk.
SB means: You know, so it looks cooler. Throw in a word that has greek letters and maybe the sign for Prince, since my keyboard doesn't have that. That'd be really cool.

SB says: No athlete I've been around has mixed my emotions the way this guy has.
SB means: So beware, Barry. Hell hath no fury like a writer scorned...

SB says: Mixed 'em like a Molotov cocktail.
SB means: Or concrete. People also mix concrete.

SB says: I used to be able to forget all the bad stuff when Bonds anchored his left leg in the batter's box.
SB means: I'm a Pirate and uses terms of the sea! Arr!

SB says: I finally find myself rooting against this big, uh, jerk.
SB means: If I write like I talk, uh... Oh, never mind.

SB says: As a sign at RFK Stadium on Tuesday night said: "Junk Bonds."
SB means: You get it? It's a pun! Because, you know, his last name is Bonds, and there is a financial product called bonds that can be rated as Junk, and they equated the two because they want to get rid of Bonds for being on the junk. It works on so many levels!

SB says: But yes, his comeback has been even better than James Bond in "You Only Live Twice."
SB means: My editor's made me change it to this. I originally had it as Jesus in that Passion movie.

SB says: At 41, the man didn't even need a minor-league rehab stint.
SB means: You see, because he's older than 18, he isn't a minor. Get it?

SB says: And that's what makes me -- and others inside the organization and close to the Giants -- suspicious.
SB means: I got an official crime-stopper badge in my box of Captain Crunch, so this week I'm playing detective.

SB says: he told reporters with a chuckle that he sometimes misleads them just to get even for all the "negative stuff" they write about him.
SB means: And since I'm a reporter, he is mocking me. Mocking me!?! That son of a bitch! If he weren't all roided up and three times my size, I would knock his block off. However, instead I will continue the cycle by insinuating the guy didn't have surgery.

SB says: And yes, Barry, it was our fault that you dumped your longtime mistress after moving her to Phoenix and that she hit the talk-show circuit to say you often talked to her about your steroid use.
SB means: You see, now I'm mocking you. How you like that? Stings, doesn't it?

SB says: It's quite possible he simply decided to take his home-run balls and go home.
SB means: Of course, considering how long he's been on the juice, it's pretty incredible that his balls are still of the home-run variety and not shriveled to the size of raisins.

SB says: Was that too much to ask of a guy who's making $22 million this season, a guy who was allowed to spend most of the summer at his home in Beverly Hills, Calif.?
SB means: If I point out that Bonds is rich, I might get other people to hate him, too. That smug, rich bastard.

SB says: He just wanted to remind everyone that he's Barry Bonds
SB means: Of course, he could have just got some business cards and handed them out, or maybe worn a sign around his next, but he figured this would work, too.

SB says: Way to help your team, Barry.
SB means: Sarcasm makes baby Jesus cry.

SB says: Magowan had had enough of his $22 Million Disappearing Man.
SB means: Now he is going to pay $2.7 Million to a little kid in the stands for his Stretch Armstrong doll.

SB says: He wanted to rub Congress' nose in it right under Congress' nose.
SB means: Wait a minute, how can you rub someone's nose in something if it is under the very nose which you perport to be rubbing it in? Wow, I guess I sure picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue...

SB says: Either Bonds has been very lucky or very clean, or he has hired very good lawyers.
SB means: Wow, I really don't understand what the word "either" means...

SB says: Tuesday at RFK, Bonds set another major-league record for audacity.
SB means: Shattering the record previously held by Don Mattingly for his stubborn refusal to comply with Mr. Burns' sideburns requirement.

SB says: Bonds said: "Pretty much, I think so. Yeah."
SB means: But he sounded much more definative and authoratative. You gotta believe me! He's a dick!

SB says: We have a crisis here that everybody needs to start contributing to.
SB means: If your not contributing to the crisis, that means you are being helpful, which has no place in this world.

SB says: The nerve of this guy using the Gulf Coast disaster to trivialize the seriousness of the steroid epidemic facing this country.
SB means: Because, you know, people may be dying and having their lives ruined, but damn it, I don't get paid to write about that stuff. Barry, stick to important things like why you suck and should go to hell.

SB says: But kids' emulating their heroes and using unsupervised mega-doses of black-market steroids is an entirely different issue.
SB means: But if they have the proper supervision while juicing up, that should be okay. Also, I like putting stray apostraphes into my sentences for no reason.

SB says: Apparently, Bonds didn't watch the March testimony of the parents who lost children because of steroid abuse.
SB means: I also heard that he only watched the second half of the season finale of Lost. The schmuck.

SB says: He's all but daring them to.
SB means: Which is good, because I was getting tired of him always choosing truth.

SB says: He's Barry Bonds and they're not.
SB means: Which is why they have different names and addresses.

SB says: And even I can no longer root for him.
SB means: Which is bad, because if a huge whore like me doesn't like someone, well, that's pretty bad.