Saturday, March 18, 2006

Skippy returns!

Man, considering I was off all week, you would think I would have had time to do a simple post. However, I decided that the need to study my cute little ass off took precident. But it is the weekend now, and after watching a bunch of obnoxious Italians using St. Patrick's day as an excuse to get drunk and vomit on the sidewalk, I felt it was time to rip into someone. So, we are proud to present another installment of "Skip Bayless says" from this article

Skip Bayless Says: This move was destined from the moment Jerry Jones, from on high in his owner's box, viewed the most disgraceful act in Texas Stadium history.
Skip Bayless Means: A democrat walk through the turnstiles

SB says: There, on the sacred Cowboys star, this No. 81 -- Jones wasn't even sure of his name -- spread his arms wide in a pose that made two statements.
SB means: 1) Here I am 2) Be glad the only thing I spread was my arms

SB says: No. 1: You ain't nothin' no more, Cowboys. Now we own you and your house.
SB means: Even my symbolic messages don't use proper grammer.

SB says: And No. 2: Forget Jerry Rice. I have arrived, world.
SB means: Actually, I guess it was more 'I have arrived, America'. Wait, wait, maybe we should just put it as, 'I have arrived, you people who follow the NFL, specifically those fans in Dallas and San Fransisco, as I doubt anybody who follows the Jaxsonville Jaguars actually cares what is going on in the NFC at this point.'

SB says: This was September 2000
SB means: See, I can fact check. Thank you, google!

SB says: and three Cowboys greats who were battered shadows of themselves watched from the home-team sideline.
SB means: I still can't believe they had the courage to leave the battered shadows shelter.

SB says: This punk kid obviously had no respect for Troy Aikman, Michael Irvin or Emmitt Smith and their three Super Bowl trophies.
SB means: scoff obviously scoff

SB says: But as Terrell Owens reveled in the vicious boos, Jones couldn't help ...
... appreciating this guy's audacity.
SB means: I was dying as I wrote this, and I wanted my last line to be dramatic and delivered like an over-the-top actor would say it.

SB says: Deep down, Jerry Jones knew he would have been capable of pulling the same stunt, if he had been blessed with this kid's talent.
SB means: But, alas, a terrible face lift can not create football talent.

SB says: Heck, Jones would trade a Super Bowl trophy to be Owens for just one season.
SB means: Yeah, most likely one of the ones they won before he owned the team.

SB says: Oh, how Jones wishes he could have been more than an undersized overachiever of an offensive guard on Arkansas' 1964 national championship team.
SB means: He wishes he could have been an oversized underachieving porn actor in the late 80s.

SB says: Jones watched Owens return to celebrate on The Star a second time and thought, "You know, I wouldn't mind having No. 81 on my team."
SB means: Of course, he then realized that he had a No. 81 on his team, Raghib 'Rocket' Ismail

SB says: And now, many signs point to Terrell Owens' calling Texas Stadium home.
SB means: Of course, even more signs point to "Exit", "right turn only", and "stop"

SB says: Of course, signing Owens ultimately would be a great mistake.
SB means: not just a good mistake, but a great one

SB says: This deeply flawed team wrecker would take great pride in proving that the great Bill Parcells wouldn't be able to crack the whip on him any more than tough guy Andy Reid could in Philadelphia.
SB means: well, when you think about it, Reid was pretty insensitive threatening Owens with a whip. A bit racist in my opinion. Wait, what's a metaphor again?

SB says: And if you think Owens caused trouble for quarterbacks Jeff Garcia in San Francisco and Donovan McNabb in Philly, wait till he gets through with whiny, thin-skinned Drew Bledsoe.
SB means: Thin-skinned, get it? It's a pun! Because, the name... I mean, think about it. If he has thin skin, it is easier for him to have "drew blood". Get it? Get it? Come on!

SB says: It wouldn't be long before Owens wondered out loud why his rag-armed, no-backbone quarterback couldn't get him the ball.
SB means: QBs are much more effective if their spinal column is intact.

SB says: For Owens, it's always the quarterback's or the coach's fault, in no particular order. Never, ever his.
SB means: As for me, I agree with that assessment, cause the man is just so dreamy!

SB says: He's T.O., as in Team Obliterator.
SB means: See, since his initials are T and O, we can make them stand for other things. Like Time Out. Or Testicular Ovaries; you know, those things you have with klinefelter's syndrome.

SB says: But Jones won't care that Owens has left two playoff teams in ruins.
SB means: He'll only care when he leaves his playoff team in ruins

SB says: No, for Jones, life isn't worth living unless he's taking risks with rare and unpredictable people.
SB means: "I was gonna wear a condom, but then I thought, hey, when's the next time I'll be in Haiti"

SB says: That's why he hired Jimmy Johnson and Barry Switzer and Bill Parcells.
SB means: Fuck commas!

SB says: That's why he acquired Charles Haley and Deion Sanders and stuck by Irvin.
SB means: I'm sure there is a gay joke somwhere near the end of this sentence...

SB says: And that's why he, Jerral Wayne Jones from Little Rock, Ark., often has taken on the National Football League when it came to marketing its most loved and hated franchise.
SB means: His first name is Jerral! Jerral! What, is he Superman's father? What a loser!

SB says: Jones has an incurable jones for associating with controversial stars.
SB means: Whereas I have an incurable bayless for writing terrible articles.

SB says: If Jones is going to lose, by gawd, he's going to lose spectacularly.
SB means: It meens what it meens, gawsh durnnitt!

SB says: To Jones, pro football is -- in the end
SB means: Hee hee, he takes it in the butt!

SB says: Jones, pro football is -- in the end -- the entertainment business
SB means: Oh, wait, that is even funnier of an anal sex joke!

SB says: To Jones, pro football is -- in the end -- the entertainment business and, if nothing else, his team is going to be damned entertaining.
SB means: Wait, wait, wait, now imagine all 53 Cowboys taking it "in the end". Wow, what an image. I am a comedic genius.

SB says: Beneath his J.R. Ewing exterior lies some chicken-fried Barnum and some guacamole-topped Bailey.
SB means: Okay, now we're getting a little too kinky, even for me.

SB says: He bought the Dallas Cowboys in 1989 because he was bored with striking oil well after oil well and making too much money to count.
SB means: Of course, had he known he could hire accountants to do that for him, maybe he would have been happy making money.

SB says: He wants Terrell Eldorado Owens in metallic blue and silver.
SB means: Why I compulsively need to throw out people's emabarassing full names, I don't know, but I guess it is to make me not feel so bad that my first name is a verb, and a gay one at that.

SB says: He wants half his fans to say they'll never again cheer for the Cowboys.
SB means: Ah, the new form of marketing: stop people from buying my product.

SB says: He wants to be able to get up early every morning and say, "Watch this, world."
SB means: Morning wood alert!

SB says: No. 81 now has a reputation to live up to: He must rip his owner or coach or quarterback or his "jealous" teammates because that's what his public expects of him.
SB means: Wait, are we still talking about Owens, or are we back to Ismail? Maybe I should call them by their names instead of their numbers.

SB says: Owens is as addicted to attention as Jones.
SB means: But he isn't as addicted to face-lifts and painkillers. Yet.

SB says: No, Owens needs to feel disrespected for no apparent reason and create phantom feuds.
SB means: Phantom fueds? Was that the one that Pat Sajak hosted?

SB says: Parcells ultimately will decide he can do what Reid and Steve Mariucci failed to.
SB means: He will decide that he can devour that eigth rack of ribs. What, you think it was a coincidence that fatty decided to sign in Dallas? The man loves his beef!

SB says: But if Parcells thinks, "I won two Super Bowls with Lawrence Taylor, so I can win with this guy," he'll be very wrong.
SB means: Right, everyone knows it was Billicheck that won with those guys, Parcells was just along for the ride.

SB says: Taylor's drug problems didn't turn him into a disruptive teammate.
SB means: They turned him into an hiliarious cameo for the Waterboy.

SB says: He didn't bad-mouth quarterback Phil Simms or say, "My name isn't Lawrence Parcells. I'm not his son, and I don't have to do what he says." That's what Owens said about Reid.
SB means: Why on earth he badmouthed a CBS commentator and thought his name should be Lawrence Parcells, and why that would hurt Reid, gawd only knows.

SB says: But when Jones thinks of Owens, he'll think of Haley and Sanders -- and he'll think wrong.
SB means: Actually, I think it's supposed to be "think wrongly". I'm not really sure, because sometimes I write bad.

SB says: Haley became unmanageable in San Francisco because he thought he was terribly underpaid.
SB means: although if he thought he was being adeptly underpaid, it probably would have been smooth sailing.

SB says: After Deion helped the 49ers win a Super Bowl, Jones gave him what, in 1995, was an absurdly huge bonus, $12.999 million.
SB means: Why was it absurdly huge? Remember, this guy wanted to be an oversized, underachieving porn star.

SB says: No, if you're going to sign him, you had better pay him.
SB means: Because if you don't pay him, he is technically a slave, and we all saw how pissed he got at Andy Reid when he tried to whip him.

SB says: He'll need to give him at least that much after the Washington Redskins gave Antwaan Randle El an $11.6 million bonus to be a No. 3 receiver. But with the rival Redskins loading up at receiver -- with Randle El and Brandon Lloyd -- Jones has to retaliate.
SB means: Did you notice that in one sentence I said the Redskins signed a #3 receiver, then in the very next sentence suggested that that same receiver (and Brandon Lloyd?) is going to be a difference maker as a justification to hand out big money to Owens? Am I really that stupid? I guess I am. I'm as shocked as you.

SB says: Jerry Jones and Terrell Owens, together at Texas Stadium. It will be great, for a while.
SB means: Yeah, this is my powerful last line. This is my big finish. This piece of crap truly is the best I could come up with as my "leaving you with my powerful point and message to take from reading this whole thing." Boy, do I suck. I just pray to Gawd that no weblog gets it's hands on this article and makes fun of me...


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