Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Softball, Baseball, and Butter

1) In correspondence with my friend on the other side of the pond, Mathias "Dusty Gazongas" Hotsis, he recently mentioned that he is re-writing his thesis because "my previous thesis on mortality estimates in conflict situations was not 'theoretical' enough'", and he is now "shitting out 20,000 words on why people who eat butter get fat." I find this an intriguing topic, because I have also been conducting a study on obesity. Specifically, I have been observing the correlation of decreased fallangial circulation and sudden permanent weight gain; that is, why women get fat once they get a wedding ring on their finger. A stunning side effect of this process is also the sudden onset of pubesco-masculine keratinized filament disorder, or as the New England Journal of Medicine has deemed the phenomena, "8-year-old boys' haircut syndrome", or 8-YOB. 8-YOB is a crippling mental disease that causes the patient to believe they look attractive with closely cropped hair, which they will occasionally spike or discolor. This disease is believe to have evolved as some sort of defense mechanism as a way to ward off their mates, driving them into another woman's arms and thus allowing them to receiving large sums of money in the divorce settlements that follow. While I have yet to officially nail down a definitive correlation and causation between these two diseases and decreased blood flow through the fourth digit, early results are promising. Apparently, several men are already Beta-testing a cure around the country with a process known as "Trophy Wiving".

Also, let it be noted that Michael Jackson has successfully pioneered the first recognition of the 8-YOB phenomena as a valid legal defense. His lawyer's claim that Michael believed he was just "commiting adultery with a woman, not molesting an actual 8 year old boy" was apparently embraced by the jury and thus has allowed him to walk free. While the case itself is rather disturbing, the public's familiarization with the perils of 8-YOB can only aid in the future treatment of this crippling disease.

2) So my softball season started with a bang last night. On a sweltering night, both sides pitched a gem as my team lost valiantly 11-10. Unfortunately, due to lateness, we did not have enough women playing, so we had two automatic outs each time through the order, and an umpire who apparently thinks that tagging home plate and not the runner is sufficient to record an out. So it goes. Personally, I went 2-2 with a walk and 2 RBI. I also had a woman batting behind me, so that walk put me on second. I also didn't have an error, which pleased me, even if I never had to make a play on the ball the entire night.

3) The Red Sox have officially tied the 1975 World Series at 4 games a piece, and they send David Wells to the mound tonight looking to take the lead in the series. Last night's game was a beauty by Clement.


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