Thursday, June 02, 2005


So I've been thinking about evil a lot lately. Don't exactly know why, though it could be because Tom Cruise convinced me to stop taking my Paxil. Anyway, all this thinking about evil has made me wonder who was the greatest evil villain in movie history. I have had this discussion with friends from time to time, so I may be ripping off a few ideas from them in this list. That said, using anecdotal and unresearched evidence in my decision making, here is Fletcher's 5 Evilest Villains In Modern Movie History:

5. Lord Sauron - Lord of the Rings. This guy was truly bad-ass. He commanded legions of evil orcs, who were dirty and angry creatures not all that different from Penn State grads. He had a bunch of deranged kings in black cloaks that he turned into his personal butt boys. He nearly brought the entire world under his command. And he did all this without a body, as he was just a big flaming eyeball. Loses points because he was defeated by a pair of midgets and his obsession with jewelry.

4. Samara Morgan - The Ring. Okay, I realize putting "the little girl who fell down a well" on the list of "best movie villains in history" is a questionable call, especially since doing so probably knocks off one of Bobby Deniro's Capone, Tom Cruise's Lestat, Jack Nicholson's The Joker, and Keanu Reeves' acting ability. But come on, that girl was creepy (at least in the first one): she didn't sleep, she drove people insane, she created with her mind a freaky arthouse movie that would have swept Cannes, and she drips water all over your floor right before she kills you. Throw in that she is sadistic and leaves a trail of corpses that look like Joan Rivers wherever she goes, and you got yourself one evil little bitch. I mean, of the three people that tried to help her (her adopted parents and Naomi Watts), she drove two of them to suicide and recruited the third to help her murder people. Plus, she was responsible for that rash of "creepy kid" horror movies that came out over the last year and a half, and I think we can all agree that wasn't very nice.

3. Archie Cunningham - Rob Roy. A rich, philandering, alcoholic rapist who didn't give a damn about anyone but himself, and also seemed to have a thing for his own mother. Granted, I knew at least a dozen guys at college that fit this description, but he was a bit more extreme. This guy runs up debts that he has no intention of paying, fleeces innocent people of their money, knocks chicks up and abandons them, uses family connections to get out of trouble, and murders a few people along the way. With a resume like that, couldn't you could totally see him becoming the next president? Hiyo! Okay, he may have looked a bit girlish, but he also knew how to wield the meanest blade this side of OJ.

2. Darth Vader - Star Wars. I mean, come on. This one is pretty self-explanatory. Bonus points for being the only guy to ever kill someone over the intercom.

And the most evil villain in the history of movies is:

1. Judge Smails - Caddyshack. Look, the man was evil. How do you go from saying, "Danny, I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them..." to an extremely creepy "How about a Fresca? Huh? Huh?" in little over a minute? The guy christened his boat "The Flying Wasp", for Christsakes! I mean he actually said stuff like: "Well, the world needs ditch diggers too." "You'll get nothing and like it." and "Danny, I'm having a party this weekend, how would you like to come over and mow my lawn?" Throw in that his first name is Elihu and that he seemed to have a homo-erotic relationship with his putter, Billy Barue, and I think we can all agree this man was pure, unadulterated evil.


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