Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Nothing like bad pitching to ease worries

1) The Sox have now taken 4 of their last six games, mostly because they have gotten 4 great pitching performances from their starters and the Reds put all of their pitching budget into Eric "At least a HR is still considered a strike" Milton. However, it is nice to see that David "Don't Call Me Orsen" Wells has started to come around in a big way (get it? Big? Come on, it's a fat joke! Don't look at me like that). Clement has been fantastic this year, pitching liking his "t" was an "s", only doing it in important games and not being a complete dick, so it is no surprise that he rebounded from his Cardinals experience. And, of course, Wakefield came back from his slump to team up with his normal catcher, Doug Mirabelli, and put the Cubs down like a puppy with a birth defect. Toss in that Manny and his Monkey are both hitting again, and the Sox seemed poised to go on a run. Tonight, my boy Bronson "Rockette Windup" Arroyo tries to right his ship and return to the form that had him ranked as the 10th best pitcher in the majors in last year's second half. Prediction: the Reds will send out a lineup that consists of 9 lefties, the scorecard will be written out using the manager's left hand, and request that the home plate umpire call balls and strikes only with his sinister appendage. Also, look for Edgar "pleonastic quotated nickname" Renteria to have a big night at the plate.

2) At lunch yesterday, I made the mistake of referring to Mark Bellhorn, the Sox 2nd baseman, as "Horny" in mixed company. Unfortunately, the woman at the table was both of the prudish variety and also not familiar with the ins and outs of the Sox 25 man roster. So I would like to take this forum to apologize to her, both for my embarrassment in the situation, as well as to satisfy the mandate that the EEO people have enforced upon me. You see, the obvious and polite nickname for Bellhorn would be "Belly". However, the Sox also have a back-up catcher by the name of Doug Mirabelli on the roster, whose natural nickname obviously is "Belli". While I would have no problem keeping these two nicknames separate, pronouncing the "y" at the end of Belly and "i" at the end of Belli differently is nearly impossible. As such, I fear that, if I were in the stands cheering for the Sox, and I were to say "Go Belly!" with Mark at the plate and Doug on first base, Doug might think I am urging him on and thus become so inspired by my support that he tries to steal second with the bases loaded, thus ending the inning and losing the game. As such, I felt it my responsibility as a fan to distinguish between the two. I did try for a while to call Doug "Mira!", but alas, that didn't have quite the same ring to it; thus Bellhorn logically had to become "Horny". Again, I would like to apologize to the woman in question, as I really was just referring to one of my favorite players for the Sox yesterday when I said, "I'm so Horny, I love second base!"

3) I would also like to apologize for using the phrase "ins and outs" in my apology for sexual harrassment. I can assure you that I am not hitting on you, but merely am stricken with an complete and utter lack of social skills. If you are still upset, I'm willing to continue apologizing further in the back stairwell, and I will bring my whip and my gimp suit so that you might work off some of your angry feelings towards me, as I know I have been a very bad boy.

5) In my final baseball note of the morning, before I get back to quantative impact studies and other assortments of fun which are awaiting my attention at work, I will be attending my third Sox game of the season on Friday, making the sojourn from DC to Fenway to take the nuclear McGuffin's to a game for their respective birthdays (all within 2 months of each other). I will get my first view of Wade Miller in person (assuming Tito doesn't shuffle the rotation because of the off day), and I must say I am very excited. Counting last year, I am taking my string of 4 straight Fenway victories with me, as well as 9 straight overall (6 in a row at Camden Yards, with two at the Fens and 1 at the Toilet) since I last saw the Sox lose in person (to the Orioles at Camden Yards). So if you are at the game, feel free to swing by section 62 and buy me a beer, as the inevitable victory will be entirely credited to my presence at the game.


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