Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Quick hit thoughts for hump day

1) Is there anything better than live TV when the commentators don't know they are still on? Last night, on NESN, Jerry Remy and Don Orsillo finished calling an inning, and NESN failed to go to commercial. After a pause of a second or two, Remy began saying things like, "You smell nice" "You're beautiful" "those are beautiful shoes" and other what I can only hope were joking come-ons to Don (whose only response was a shocked "Who? Me?" and some nervous laughter). Remy also asked where he was from and said that he "golfs there" and "it is beautiful". He finally summed it up, saying "I'm going to hit the street later, working on my game." After 45-50 seconds of this... awkwardness... we were treated to Remy, in mid-sentence, stop for a beat before saying "What?!?" and the station cut to commercial. Good times. And the Sox won.

2) Somebody (note: other than me) needs to come out with an etiquette guide for sidewalks, subways, and escalators. Then, we need to make it required reading in schools. Seriously, if they can force kids to learn about Creationism, why can't we force them to learn that they are in fact solid beings that cannot be walked through? I mean, is it that hard to understand that, when you are walking and talking with three people, somebody is going to have to hang back half a step to let people going in the other direction go by? Is that so freaking hard? And how about when a crowded train arrives at a crowded station, do we just stand in front of the door so that nobody can get on or off, then give angry looks when people bump into us? And what is so damn hard about the "walk left, stand right" system on an escalator, so that those who want to walk up or down the steps don't have to slalom herds of fat white-trash rednecks on their way to the zoo? Personally, I think this all would moot if we allowed certain people in the know, and by that I mean me, to brandish cattle prods. Whenever somebody fails to obey the common courtesies that should be incumbent on those occupying space (note: this does not apply to ghosts and free-floating vapors), then be prepared for a little jolt, a white flash, and a few seconds of unconsciousness. Certainly, this would be a good way for people to learn, and short of some slight burn-marks there would be not lasting ill effects. Would that be so bad? I didn't think so, either, but apparently the Metro police did, and now I have to perform 175 hours of community service.

3) There is no reason, under any circumstances, where I will ever watch American Idol again. Throughout history, people have fought and died to defend their most sacred and cherished beliefs. This is now one of mine.

4) People who use the words "guestimate" and "irregardless" in the same sentence should be shaved, sterilized, and destroyed. This is non-negotiable.


At 3:31 PM, May 18, 2005, Anonymous Lauren said...

i think we should put them all in a burning building and block the exits. including those irregardless people, but first they should throw dictionaries at them...hardcover dictionaries.

At 4:13 PM, May 18, 2005, Blogger Fletcher Austin McGuffin said...

Death by lexicon. I like it.


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