Monday, April 30, 2007

Emailed to the Resident Female

*Bridesmaid’s Contract*
Hello my beautiful bridesmaids! Let me just say again how happy I am that you are going to be a part of my special day! Below are just a few guidelines for the wedding that I’d like you to review, please initial by each point, sign at the end and send back to me. Just want to make sure they’re aren’t any surprises! The planning bride is a happy bride!
Thanks a bunch! Love ya!
______ My hair will remain at the length it is now or longer.
______ I will not change my hair color without first consulting Katie and providing a sample photo or hair swatch for consideration.
______ I will use Sally Hansen’s “Maximum Growth-Daily Nail Growth program” every day for the 4 months before the wedding day.
______ I will not gain more than 4lbs from the weight I was when I was asked to be a bridesmaid.
______ I swear to attend all showers, (lingerie, bridal & bachelorette) to arrive in a timely manner and do everything in my power to support and “be there” for the bride.
______ I will purchase the David’s Bridal style # 81123 dress below in Latte/Champagne within 3 weeks of today.

______ I will NOT knowingly get pregnant without notifying Katie at least 4 months prior to the wedding so a suitable alternate can be found. I will also give my purchased bridesmaid dress to said alternate.

I do hereby swear that I will adhere to all of the above & other understood bridesmaid duties for the wedding on September 21, 2007
(sign, print and date)


At 12:00 PM, May 02, 2007, Anonymous Dorf said...

I'm SO dumb. The whole time I was reading this, I kept thinking, "why isn't he using her real name? Why isn't he using her real name?" Then I figured it out. You're so clever, 'Fletcher!'

At 12:10 PM, May 02, 2007, Anonymous Steady B said...

Wow does the agreement need to be notorized in any specific state, or would state of residence suffice?

If I were a groomsman, I would refuse to sign unless I was given liberty to wear a tuxedo t-shirt during the reception. I mean the tux T could not be more appropriate, I am formal but I like to party.

and the Pats do their best to do bomb the entire league into the stone age. Just like the Redsox, their off-season moved are just not cute any more and we are all begining to grow tired.

At 2:11 PM, May 02, 2007, Anonymous Fletcher Austin McGuffin said...

Actually, that the Resident Female and I are engaged is merely a happy coincidence. This is actually a forward from one of the Female's friends who recieved said contract in complete seriousness. Names are as they appear on the actual document. Screw the innocent.

Oh, as to the Pats: they are operating on same financial field as everyone else. Same salary cap, better management. The Giants should have hired Billy after Parcells got the kidney stones...

At 12:38 PM, May 04, 2007, Anonymous Dorf said...

Fuck you Fletcher! Why you gotta rub it in? Having Tom Cougnlin as our coach and Eli Manning as our QB isn't bad enough? Now you have to remind us that we missed out on the best coach in the game too? Goddamnit...

At 12:38 PM, May 04, 2007, Anonymous Dorf said...

Not that I'm bitter or anything...

At 1:53 PM, May 04, 2007, Anonymous fletcher austin mcguffin said...

Well, the Browns got him instead, and apparently it didn't work out so well for them. Or Bernie Kosar.


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